I had a simple dream. A magnum opus revolving around the idea of the Seven Deadly Sins. Seven funny parts. Seven insightful thoughts. 49 bits in all. Unfortunately, the beer kicked in after segment #2. Segment #3 was about the Seven Deadly Sins of the South. Let's not go there, except to say it involved racism, bacon grease and deep-fried turkeys.

The Seven Slightly Dangerous Sins

1. Plagiarism
2. Making comments about the film while it's still playing and everyone's trying to pay attention to it
3. Humming/Whistling
4. Arguing that "nothing is really true"
5. Farting on someone as they sleep
6. Making flippant remarks at the expense of old people
7. Linguistics

My Favorite Seven Deadly Sins, In Order, and Why

1. Lust

My favorite thing about this sin is that you're really just trying to do God's will, but you're overly enthusiastic about it. After all, God made us to be sexy. And based on pleasure receptors and the necessity of procreation, He clearly wants us to get busy. Even "the pope" has to endorse lust, in one form or another.

2. Gluttony

Baked Alaska with passionfruit-flavored caramel sauce. Apple and pork empanadas. A mountain of hyper-fresh salmon nigiri sushi. A freshly baked coffee cake, with pecan and cinnamon topping. Ohhhh. My. God. Gluttony.

3. Sloth

Basically self-explanatory.

4. Envy

Everything I had to say about this has been said better by those priggish fairy-lads at Brunching.com.

5. Pride

The strangest thing about this is that it's basically letter-for-letter like that "self-esteem" crap they keep trying to teach kids these days. I can't figure that out for the life of me. If you systematically beat down kids with forced academic drills, tell them they're worthless, and beat them up with canes, what do you get?

The British Empire, that's what.

6. Wrath

Once, I punched a close friend in the nose over a girl. I eventually gave up, and they dated for a few months. He then dumped her so he could spend more time with his computer, which was really fast.

That made me feel both good and bad.

7. Greed

Greed is strange. It's essentially a lust for material goods - or money - for its own sake. The thing about greed is this: if you're splitting your time between hot chicks, orange cocoa-creme eclairs and gratuitous naps, who has time for greed?

It's the superfluous sin. Out with it.