It's not easy to be a woman in India — hell, it's not necessarily easy to be a woman anywhere!

And that's why I'm glad to be a man living in a suburb of Boston.

But despite my masculine appearance and genitalia, I appreciate the sensuous, luxurious feel of Gillette's new Venus Razor. Mmm. So smooth. So smooth as it glides over my stubbly face. And then, after the shaving is over, my face is smooth too.

But enough about the razor. We're here to talk about my Goddess. She is Kali the Destroyer, and her power is lethal like a spiritual atom bomb, leaving only skeletons and dust in its wake. Her eyes are like gunbarrels. And her voice is harsh and heavy, like that of a trucker after she's blasted through her 2000th pack of Old Golds.

I realize that for the purpose of winning this contest, you'd like to hear how my Goddess impacts my life. No problem. Kali commands me to slaughter travelers on the roadside and offer their entrails to the heavens in a weird ceremony as timeless as a smooth pair of classy legs.

So whether I'm shaving my face with a new Venus razor or ritually gutting an overweight German tourist, my Goddess is by my side. In her heavy, gravely voice, she whispers encouragement, saying: "Kill! Kill! Kill!"

If that doesn't qualify for a free vacation, I don't know what does.

In my previous essay for the Salon/Gillette Free Vacation Contest, I implied that, among other things, I kill people. That's not true. In fact, I don't even worship Kali, as I claimed earlier.

In reality, I worship Diana, the Goddess of the Hunt in the Greek pantheon. With her big eyes and short blonde hair (I'm going by an old copy of "Deities and Demigods" from the Dungeons and Dragon roleplaying game, here) Diana is truly one of the hottest goddesses known to anyone. While she spends the day hunting all over the woods, she gets back home and turns into another kind of animal: a tiger!

Wait — that metaphor failed. The initial intent was something like this:

a) Diana goes into the woods as some sort of clever, hunting-focused animal and then
b) Comes home as a sex tiger, whom I tame.

But I guess that's not necessarily the spirit of the contest. You probably want a goddess who tames me, you saucy gender-reversing contest judge. How about this:

While she spends the day hunting all over the woods, she gets back home and whips me into shape like the little bitch I actually am. GRRROWL!

No. No. Too strident. Hang on.

In my previous essay for the Salon/Gillette Free Vacation Contest, I implied that I worshiped the goddess Diana, and fantasized about being beaten by her in a sexual way.

That's all true, but for the purpose of this contest, I'd like us to assume the goddess in my life is actually the Virgin Mary. That's right.

The Virgin Mary is my goddess, and before I take my Venus razor and drag its sharp, gleaming edge through the pockmarked hairy jungle that is my nether regions, I. Uh. Well, nevermind all that.

I think the Virgin Mary has inspired all of us — even those of us who happen to be Jews — to think a little more about our appearance. Have any of us ever seen a depiction of Mary with hairy legs? Or armpits? Absolutely not. Even in Biblical times, when Gillette razors were still being made from sharpened bits of quartzite, the Virgin Mary was a model to clean-shaven women and men everywhere.

And that's why I deserve a free vacation in Canyon Ranch, along with whatever floozy I happen to be dating at the time my tickets and reservations are confirmed.

In my previous essay for the Salon/Gillette Suck Up to A Goddess, Eat Free Food Contest, I called a non-existent but possibly existent woman a "floozy."

This isn't meant to reflect on my personal goddess, or women in general. It is only meant to refer to women whose floozy-like actions mark them as floozies. Nor is it meant to represent any sort of disrespectful attitude toward the lovely ladies in my life.

I thought I'd clarify that.

Moreover, I'd like to change my goddess again, if that's okay. Is that okay?

I'd like to change my goddess to Carla LeBec, from Cheers. I realize she doesn't have mythological proportions. Essentially, despite not being particularly easy on the eyes, she dishes out funny lines and putdowns in a madcap and zany manner that keeps all those around her on their toes.

There. Carla, from Cheers, or Eris, the goddess of chaos and practical jokes. Those are my answers, and I'm sticking by them.

Until I can think of something better.

Did I win?