It's the year 3030. A tyrannical corporation exercises complete domination over the galaxy's helpless people, and a loathsome elite decides who lives — and who dies.

A band of rebels (a wisecracking hero, a brainy-but-beautiful female love interest, a computer hacker, a fat funny guy and several extras) are the only hope left.

Then the secret police storm in and shoot everybody. Everybody, that is, except for the comic relief fat guy (Jack Black) who hid under a tablecloth and must now lead his own one-man war against tyranny.

Long soliloquies for fallen comrades and stunning special effects-laden battle sequences are ably counterpointed by a hilarious beer-sodden romp through a space-based asteroid amusement park.

What I got: A blank stare.

Imagine this: Babies battling puppies in a savage struggle for survival in a future gone mad. It's cute versus cuddly in the most devastating, hard-hitting, high-powered throwdown since Nagasaki. The babies are cunning, vengeful, and armed with high-powered rifles. But the puppies are hungry for blood.

What I got: Free escorted trip to a vacant lot with studio security; then, a beating.

Fashion columnist Ken Fickner has a secret — he's heterosexual! But a clause in his employment contract stipulates that he "must at all times project an image consistent with the public's expectations." That means paisley scarves!

As Fickner wrestles with life outside a closet he never entered in the first place, his wife has the opposite problem — she's an agent working for China, and her hilarious exploits keep killing American agents overseas.

What I got: The revocation of my Writer's Guild membership.

A well-researched guide into fishing — girl-style! How to use little plastic fishing rods, fun disco-ball-style bobbers and smooth safety hooks that can't possibly hurt a fish or injure other types of wildlife.

And why use live, gross, dirty worms, when you can use gummi worms? Duh! Gummi worms are way more fun!

What I got: Dumped.

Isn't exercise a pain in the ass? Why not wrap a piece of molded plastic around your torso, roll around on the floor... and let gravity do the work! Fitness experts agree The Boob Jammer could make dropping pounds as easy as rolling on the ground.

The best part: It's highly affordable at three payments of just $39.95 each.

What I got: $75 million in venture capital funding; preliminary promises of another $75 million once initial markets firm up and the international viability of the project is established. Plus a firm, sweaty handshake.