Rep. Ike Skelton (D-Mo.) has announced that he is changing his name to "Ike T. Skeleton." A statement issued from the congressman's office stated that the change was intended to "send a message that no matter who we are, king or street sweeper, everybody dances with the Grim Reaper."

EPA head Christine Todd Whitman has announced that the government will be adding "limited but substantial" amounts of arsenic to public water supplies. "We'll be doing this on a test basis in three or four communities chosen at random," she said at a recent press conference. "There is no science that indicates arsenic is harmful to the public, at this point in time." Whitman and other top administration officials smirked their way through the entire press event while drinking $5 bottles of spring water.

Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta has begun commuting to his Washington, D.C., office on a unicycle. "This is the only way to travel!" he yelled at an assembled knot of reporters, yesterday morning. "I don't see why federal transportation funds should go anywhere but one place: unicycles, unicycles, unicycles." On a related note, Mineta issued an official memo asking all non-unicycling department employees to "fuck off."

Who's that calling God "the world's biggest fraud"? It's Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-MD), who recently announced that the universe is "empty of any unifying moral order or higher power." "Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless" he shrieked, slumping under the podium and pouring a bottle of cheap gin over his head.

Rep. Jim Saxton (R-NJ) posted a message on his website saying that is willing to "service any constituent who takes the time to visit my motel room." The page also included an animated graphic depicting a pair of bouncing boobies.