Top Ten Deep Dark Secrets of West

10. Basement steam tunnels lead directly to a secret cellar entrance of Mike's liquor

9. During World War II, Mr. Putnam killed Adolf Hitler in hand-to-hand combat

8. School walls covered not with paint, but with bleached goat blood

7. Mr. Singstock's head used as a reflecting mirror in secret military solar energy experiments

6. Security guards fed on diet of raw meat and pure anabolic steroids

5. For a dollar, any janitor will give you the most soothing back massage you've ever had

4. Cafeteria hamburger food... it's... it's made of PEOPLE!

3. All assistant principals are actually killer androids with super strength and laser beam eyes

2. Student Council just a clever front for an international cocaine cartel

1. Leo Sidran? VIRGIN! VIRGIN! VIRGIN!