Liberator Guide to Spring Romance

By James "Fabio" Norton

Ah, yes, late Spring. Romance is in the air, and as the leaves return to all of Madison's lovely trees young people's minds instinctively turn to thoughts of getting out into the world, meeting the boy or girl of their dreams, and then rutting with them like wild boars in heat. For good or ill, the process of meeting and wooing your desired romantic companion is a complex and subtle one, filled with mysterious dangers and exotic pleasures; in this article, I, serving as expert on all matters of the heart, will give you some of the advice you need to prosper in your quest for affection. Below are some common romantic situations, and some different approaches to handling them.

Disclaimer: The author in no way claims to know what he's doing, but also challenges the reading audience to find ONE person, male or female, who really does. Heed advice at your own risk.

Situation: There's a girl in your math class who you'd love to get to know a little better. Now What? Time to think of a clever way to her get her attention so you can meet her.

Right Way: Ask her if she knows when the next test is; if she seems to be looking forward to it, comment on how easy you think the class has been recently; if she seems worried about it, bitch about how things have been too hard lately.

Wrong Way: Kidnap her father.

Liberator Way: Tell her that you're an Aztec high priest, and that the Gods have selected her as their living human sacrifice. Imply that if she'll go on a date with you, you might be able to hold them off.

Situation: Midsummer; you and your date are taking a walk in a park under the starry night sky. Now What? Time to say something romantic.

Right Way: "The stars are exquisite tonight... I wish I could catch them and fetch them down from the sky to give to you, strung together on a comet like a necklace of perfect heavenly pearls."

Wrong Way: "This'd be a perfect night if it weren't for your breath."

Liberator Way: "The stars are exquisite tonight.. If you were to drop Paul Shaffer into a star, do you think he'd have time to scream in pain before his body boiled away?"

Situation: You and your prospective sweetie are at the movies. Now What? It's time to make a move.

Right Way: Cautiously letting your hand brush against your date's, giving him or her the opportunity to hold your hand, or to gracefully refuse you.

Wrong Way: Sticking your tongue in your date's ear.

Liberator Way: Lifting up your date's shirt, pressing your lips to his or her bellybutton, and blowing as hard as possible.

Situation: You're meeting your girlfriend's parents. Now What? Time to introduce yourself.

Right Way: Hello, Mr. & Mrs. Davis, I'm very pleased to meet you.

Wrong Way: Hello, Mr. & Mrs. Davis. I sure hope you don't have any old-fashioned notions about chastity and yourdaughter, because, hey, you'd be living in a dream world.

Liberator Way: Hello, Mr. & Mrs. Davis. Could you lend me a thousand dollars so I could go and buy a mess lot of yeast?

Situation: Your relationship with your boyfriend is getting old. Now What? Time to try and spice things up.

Right Way: Try doing something new and romantic with him, like taking him on a camping trip or inviting him for an evening of hot-tubbing.

Wrong Way: Buy a stun gun; every few minutes, hit him with 500 volt shocks.

Liberator Way: Before loveplay, try some roleplaying; pretend you are "Princess Zelda," and let him dress up as either of the Super Mario Brothers.

So kids, as you go out searching, remember: not only is love the most wonderful thing in life, it's also a great big gigantic suck that'll hurt you like a cattle prod. Happy hunting, and from the Liberator, good luck!