Good-bye debt; Hello demon!

By Ben "Necronomicon" Granby

We all face monetary problems in life. We all encounter situations where we have to come up with 10 grand or Vic the Loan Shark will sever our heads with a butter knife.

So what can we do to pay back money that we owe to others? Many would suggest a doing good deal of hard work to earn the money you need; however, this is not based in reality. We live in America. There has to be a situation other than this. Thanks to the world of the supernatural, there is another way to be rid of one's debt. The domain of the dead has the ultimate power. I know of these powers, and it is my intent to enlighten others so we can all use the supernatural world for personal gain.

First of all, we need to make contact with our complementary spirit in the netherworld. Our first step is to venture into a graveyard or other such residency of the dead around night time. Dig up a fresh grave and remove the corpse. (if you have a fresh corpse at home, going to the graveyard is unnecessary). Now, proceed to stomp up and down on the cadaver. Now its spirit is invoked and you may go on to step 2.

The second and final step consists of bringing the restless spirit under your control. You do so by letting the spirit know that you are master of all things dead and alive. Say aloud, "O great spirit whom I have invoked into this world, I am your master, you dumbass." The phantasm should now be under your control; if not, proceed to slap its booty around for a while. Now we can begin the process of ridding your debt. Here are several methods one can use:

* Get your spirit to phase through the walls of where your debt papers reside and then burn them.

* Have the spirit cast your creditors into the Infernal Pits of Hell.

* Make the spirit telepathically convince people to hand you their wallets. Then pay off your debt.

* Have your spirit use telekinetic powers to hurl heavy objects at people on the street, then proceed to take their wallets.

* Make your spirit telepathically demolish a building with tons of high explosives, then in the midst of the subsequent hysteria and police questioning pick the pockets of all the confused people you see, then pay off your debt.

You are now hopefully prepared for complete financial independence. This is just a single example of how useful the once mystic world of the supernatural can be. In our next segment, we will learn to gut a fish with celtic tarot cards.