IT'S ALIVE

Ash street sludge pile comes to life, saves day

West High students and faculty received quite a shock last Monday when they, upon arriving at school, were greeted with a hand shake. A handshake delivered by a 2-ton pile of mud, ice, grass and slush. The Ash St. sludge pile, or "Elmo," as he prefers to be referred to, is West's newest and most popular student.

Elmo came to life on Friday, March 4th. At approximately 4:30pm, a careless student smoking on the front lawn of the school sprinkled some ashes on the sludge pile. The heat from these ashes caused a miraculous electromagnetic reaction in the sludge pile, shocking it to life. Elmo reflects on the experience with much joy: "One moment I was nothing but a melting pile of ice. The next, I was self-aware. I just said to myself, 'Hey, I'm a two-ton pile of crap! Wow!'"

Elmo didn't move from his well-known seat on the lawn until late at night. "I finally figured out how to move by rolling myself around," Elmo said. "I guess I'm kinda like some sort of giant Amoeba."

Elmo also learned how to eat, talk, and form limbs from his giant bulk the same evening. "I was really hungry, so I swallowed some rusty car some student left on the street overnight. Nobody ever seemed to care much that it was missing. Since learning to use my self-invented mouth, I've also heaved up numerous objects some students dropped into my body before I came to life. The most common objects include candy wrappers, razor blades, condoms, and dismembered dog corpses."

The MMSD administration has been quick to admit Elmo to West High. Libby Burmaster addressed the press on the issue: "Just because Elmo is the size of three pickup trucks and smells like Lake Erie in the spring doesn't mean he should be treated differently than other students. Elmo has enthusiastically signed up for Shakespeare, Geometry, and Pottery, and hopes to join the men's swim team. Elmo will undoubtedly become a valued member of the West High community."

Perhaps the most remarkable aspect of Elmo is his heroic, loving personality. This virtue demonstrated itself early Sunday morning when he caught four criminals attempting arson. "I was walking around the University Heights neighborhood, wondering about when should go public," he recalled, "when suddenly I saw a team of heavily armed men dumping gasoline on some guy's lawn. I yelled "yaaargh!" and rolled over them. I presented the bodies to the police and they helped me become a U.S. citizen. The rest is history."