Security guards given license to kill

In a move to staunch recent outbreaks of student absenteeism and on-grounds smoking, West's six security officers were recendy given automatic weapons, and licenses to kill whomever they please, whenever they feel fit.

Administration officials feel that the security officers, if allowed to shoot students down at will, would be able to gain a measure of respect previously unafforded to them. After nine reported fatal shootings of truant students by security officers, student respect for the officers is said to be at all-time high.

Despite the apparent severity of the new measure, school advisor Herbert P. Hellen was quoted as defending the policy on the grounds that it was a realistic way to keep students from getting out of control, and perhaps was even "too lenient."

"In an optimum situation, I think, all the students would be dead before they even arrived at school," Hellen said. "I think we would see delinquency, smoking, and school violence drop to nearly nothing."

One of West's security guards was quoted as being "real happy" with the new rule. "I found all the kids who called me fat before, and shot them."