Experts declare, "Jesus was funky!"

Archaeologists were shocked this week when new finds from the Mideast were unveiled by a team from the Hebrew University. This small group of scholars announced they had found the mummified remains of Jesus Christ.

The fact that the body was so well-preserved was surprising, for the custom of the times was not to practise mumunification. However, it is well-known that the cultists that Jesus operated with were a little out-of-the-ordinary. Several other mummified bodies had been found around the area of Calvary, and archaeologists had hoped for a major find.

The body of Christ had several indenfifying marks. Among these were the stigmata, a row of puncture wounds about the temples, and a gaping wound on the side. However, these were not touted as the major indentifying factors.

"It was common practise to punish criminals and early cultists, or Christians as they are now known, by crucifixion," reports the leader of the field team, David Penis. "Even the extraneous wounds could at best be circumstantial evidence towards identity. The real kicker was, of course, the gold pendant that said 'Jesus' on it."

Along with the aheavy gold chain and "Jesus" pendant, archaeologists found several heavy gold rings, a "pot-leaf" pendant, and an ivory hairpick. Scientists have been able to determine the nature of the clothes that Jesus was wearing when he was buried; bell-bottoms and a Nehru jacket apparently accompanied the Son of God to his final resting place.

In the pocket of the jacket, scientists have found what they think to be a jar of a primitive form of Jerry-Curl. David Penis sums up his team's most shocking allegation: "We think that Jesus had an Afro."