Libby Goes Mini

Cosmic energy ray shrinks our principal to 6-inch height

Both the educational and scientific communities were turned upside-down last Sunday when Elizabeth Burmaster, beloved administrator of West High and special friend of the Liberator, dramatically shrunk.

A teeny-tiny Elizabeth Burmaster stands in front of a soft drink. Shown actual size.

According to UW-Madison astronomy officials, her transformation was brought about by exposure to rare cosmic radiation originating from the far off Andromeda galaxy. Burmaster, taking an afternoon stroll in sub-zero weather, was the only person exposed to this radiation as it beat down upon a small area of sidewalk right in front of the State St. Arcade adult entertainment center. Feeling nothing unusual aside from a small warm draft, Burmaster woke up the next morning a mere six inches tall, and convinced her startled spouse to contact the authorities.

Students have reacted with grief, bafflement, and amusement upon hearing of their principal's latest handicap. Many feel she will be less condescending to students now that her height is inversely proportionate to the size of her ego. Many also have difficulty speaking to her about sensitive issues seriously as she stands on her desk, sqeaking in her high pitched voice, wearing nothing but hastily purchased Barbie clothes.

Most view the metamorphosis as a good thing. "Our principal is now available in a convenient travel size," one student was overheard saying, "you can put her in your pocket and carry her anywhere!" Burmaster has not yet commented on her concealability.

Numerous measures have been enacted to allow the vertically impaired principal perform her job effectively. The school district has purchased Fluffy, a specially trained squirrel, to carry Burmaster around on its back. Fluffy will also defend Burmaster from rats, hawks, and students who don't watch where they step.

The plucky principal defiantly stated "There is nothing funny about being a tiny principal. Many troubled individuals would take advantage of my unique situation. In fact, some prankster has already released several hungry cats inside the school, and that just isn't funny. Even everyday tasks have become horrendously difficult, especially driving and hockey."