The Burning Question

By James Norton

Do you ever think to yourself, "School may be hell, but I'll bet it's probably pretty easy to fix"?

Maybe not. I probably don't know you, your family, your social group, or your favorite musicians, but if you've been going to this place for more than a year, it's a pretty safe bet that you've picked up on the fact that, politely put, the people administrating this whole shebang are idiots. Hey, some of the quicker freshmen may have even gotten this far even with their limited, almost chimp-like capacity for reasoning.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a freshman chimp. I was one! I pulled a 3.7GPA, and effectively had no personality or social life to speak of. Now I can get a 2.5GPA, and claim to be having a pretty good time with my life. I don't know if I've developed a personality yet, but my ACTs say I've got a pretty good chance of at least picking one up later in life. I love standardized tests. Come to think of it, I love coloring books, too. I think I just have a thing for filling in geometric shapes.

Anyway, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are some administrators out there who are pretty sharp people. Unfortunately, they must be taking year-long donut breaks or something, because I haven't seen much of their handiwork reflected in the educational environment I cope with every day.

I'm sorry, but the Madison school system, as enlightened as it might be, can be staggeringly lame. I have some ways to unstupid this big dumbass rat race we live every day, and I hope you'll clip it, and mail it to an administrator. That, or put it on a dart, a whip it at a random school board member's head. Whichever. Just don't blame me when they charge you with attempted bureaucratslaughter!

Improvement #1: Make Phy Ed an elective. Yeah. A lot of us get enough exercise from being involved with sports, or personal fitness routines, and a lot of us really don't care to be in shape. Quit forcing us to be fit. If the school district doesn't want us to be out-of-shape blobs, they shouldn't feed us french fries and pizza grease balls for lunch. That and I don't think school is here to make us Greek athlete sex gods. It's here to teach us enough to get us prepped for college. The exercise we can do on our own time, thanks. I can see how some students might enjoy the break in their routine Phy Ed provides, but then again, I can see how some students might like to drive pencil leads into their palms during Spanish class. I do like floor hockey, though. Woohoo! Fast-driving action for small people like myself.

Improvement #2: Open campus. Yeah, I know it'd take statewide legislation. But the concept of study halls as holding pens sucks. Bad boys and girls walk out, and it's the ones who obey the rules who get stuck doing nothing for an hour at a time, as well as the hapless teachers who have to watch over the saps. While we're making major progress, why not open the school library up, as well? I'm more than a little sick of having that weasily little bearded guy throw me out because I don't have a pass. Students going into the library are going there to study quietly or do research, not cause disturbances. And if they're noisy, boot 'em out. But locking people out because they lack the proper credentials smacks of dumbness. "Excuse me, sir. You don't have a pass, and therefore, the school board feels you are not qualified to be in this LMC." You, bearded person, may lick me. With passion and feeling.

Improvement #3: Kill the security guards. Okay, okay. No need for violence, I guess. I find violence to be a desperate solution to desperate situations, the last choice on the menu of mischief. Gods, though! Our local rent-a-cops do nothing but give students grief. They don't make me feel safe, they make me feel harassed and imprisoned. And while I bet they could easily pummel me with their keys and walkie talkies, I doubt they'd stand a chance against anyone who actually specialized in hurting people. Let's fire these pushy, power-tripping bozos, and get someone who can REALLY keep order. Let's bring back Colucci, and have him give candy to people who are being good. Colucci knew his shit.

Improvement #4: Let's make our school pretty! Murals, sculptures, mosaic floors, drawings on the walls, graffiti, the works. I'll bet we've got at least 100 talented artists at this school, and that a lot of them would love to do some permanent work that'd brighten our environment. First thing to be beautified: those HORRIBLE murals by the Regent Street entrance. Yeah, the football player's a real hunk, and I DO like his bulging pecs, but I'm afraid we could do a lot better for a school image. Another must-fix: the mural with the male chem student. Granted, his image, with buckteeth and coke-bottle glasses, is really funny, but it's not giving scientists enough credit. Let's replace this '50s dork with a panel showing a crazed Mr. Singstock blowing up some lab equipment.

That's my ten cents. Write the Liberator if you've got more stuff we should be doing, and remember, there's something YOU can do to make this place better. Your first step towards making West a better place is as easy as mailing us money. Do it, and be proud. Until next issue!