Take the LAT

At The Liberator, "we care about students," which is why we're offering our own aptitude test to help prepare you for (or better understand!) your whole ACT and SAT experience. Try taking the quiz below, and check your score against our results guide. This should give you a fairly good impression of how you're going to do with the rest of your entire life. Don't panic; there's nothing wrong with discovering you're ill-suited to do anything other than fold napkins for the Perkins people. We all have our own special jobs to do. So, take a deep breath, make sure you can see your neighbor's paper, and begin!

Definitions (Free Response)

Read the following words, and, on a separate piece of paper, record your definitions for each of them.

1) Bustle-Punching
2) Frot
3) Zoftig
4) Bathycolpous
5) Foof

Multiple Choice: Answer all these in thirty seconds or less. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry, damn you!

Math

6) A bus, driven by your mother, leaves Cleveland at 140 miles per hour, headed in a tangent arc towards Montreal, with a 19 degree co-axial spin that has an inertia of 187 kilopascals, as well as 17 overweight (200-300 kilograms) passengers on board.

Question: How long until the bus reaches Montreal?

A) 15 minutes.
B) As long as it takes to get there.
C) Four hours as shown above, but 45 minutes without the fat guys.
D) Your mother.

Science

7) Joe O'Chemist works for the Irish Republican Army, and wants to construct an explosive device powerful enough to destroy Buckingham Palace, without disturbing his favorite fish and chips spot down the lane. How many pounds of Semtex plastic explosive should he use?

A) One.
B) Twenty-Five.
C) As many pounds as he can fit into a Pinto's trunk.
D) One pound of explosive for every 100 pounds of body fat on Fergie's thighs.

Verbal

8) "Short" is to "Tall" as "Sexual Powerhouse" is to:

A) Geeky.
B) Gawky.
C) Dorky.
D) Sleazy

9) "Newspaper Editor" is to "Football Player" as "Sexual Powerhouse" is to:

A) Ridiculously muscle-bound.
B) Pathetically athletic.
C) Hilariously big.
D) Steroid-hobbled.

Reading Comprehension

10) Once upon a time, a small green frog lived in a well. A princess (who happened to live nearby) was playing with her favorite toy, a shiny golden ball, when she accidently dropped the ball into the well. The frog, a well-meaning creature of good nature, brought the ball to the surface of the well, so that the princess could easily retrieve it.

Finish the story:

A) The princess reclaimed her plaything and joyfully kissed the frog, who with a *Poof* of smoke, turned into a vacuum cleaner salesman.
B) The princess ignored the ball, grabbed the frog, and fried him into a cajun-style delicacy. I garontee!
C) The princess ignored the ball, grabbed the frog, and threw him so high into the air that a lack of air pressure caused his body to explode like a nightmarish green pinata stuffed with bad clams. D) The princess ignored the ball, grabbed the frog, and splatted him between a castle wall and a canvas, which she then sold for 1000 gold ducats as "Impressions of a Forest Creature."

See next page for your scientific results!

LAT Answers

Definitions:

1) Bustle Punching: The practise, not uncommon in large crowds, of a male rubbing himself against the buttocks of females.

2) Frot: To rub against another person for sexual stimulation, often surreptitiously, e.g. in a dense crowd.

3) Zoftig: Yiddish term meaning "juicy". Often used to describe buxom and attractive women.

4) Bathycolpous: From Latin, literally "deep bosomed", used to describe overly buxom women.

5) Foof. To exhale with lips pressed fightly around another's navel, making a "pfflibbbit!" noise.

Multiple Choice: 6) D 7) C 8) C 9) D 10) B,C or D

Calculate your LQ (Liberator Quotient): This is just like math class. Come on, it'll be fun!

First: Take your number of correct answers, then multiply it by 13 and then divide this number by your number of incorrect answers. (Secret bonus step: add 5.)

Compare your score to our quick reference guide below. See how the next 40-50 years of your life will go.

5-8.25 Start folding those napkins. It looks like you've got a career in blue-collar food service coming up!

10.57-24.5 You've got what it takes to grow up and be a spineless office flunky.

35.33-129 You'd probably make a pretty good drug dealer or tax accountant.

130 The sky's the limit. Harvard, Yale, Stevens Point; the choices are limitless, and beyond college, you'll go on to be fantasically successful, happy, wealthy, and regularly serviced by attractive members, of whatever sex you find appealing. We salute you, and invite you to join our staff.