MTI hires new negotiator

BorfIax the Demon "very pleased to help speed things up a bit"

SATURDAY – In lieu of Judge Nichol's recent ruling that the Madison School District may indeed negotiate with MTI (Madison Teachers Incorporated) over the issue of wage increase, MTI announced that they have hired a special new negotiator to assist them in the imminent squabble. Borflax, arch-demon from the 7th pit of hell, offspring of Beezlebub and Plague to all Good, has been named the formal voice of MTI, and has been quoted as being " very pleased to help speed things along." Borflax spoke to press and School Board members at a recent "get to know you" meeting, where he defended his viability for the touchy negotiatory position. "Sure, I may have four massive arms and spikes sticking out of my head. Maybe I also have the unique ability to raise the dead and perform unholy miracles. In all other aspects, I'm just like every other Madison resident."

Union Rep. Borflax

School Board members displayed mixed reactions to MTI's extraordinary announcement. While many look forward to the unique experience of bargaining with the damned, some members seem prejudiced against the denizens of Gehenna.

Most outspoken wasNancy Mistelle, a member of the conservative special interest group CARE (Citizens Advocating Responsible Education.) At the recent press meeting, Mistelle shrieked at MTI president John Matthews, "CARE has long suspected that MTI was allied with Lucifer's brood, and this proves it!" She quickly quieted down after Borflax reminded her that he could easily drain her body of all vital fluids and use them for lawnmower lubricant. Coinciding with the announcement of Borflax's new position, MTI also released an updated list of teacher slowdown phases that will be enacted should negotiations prove unfruitful. A summary is printed below:

Phase IV: After school sports activities discontinued.

Phase V: School administrators plagued by unsightly boils appearing all over their bodies.

Phase VI: Locusts swarm freely in high school cafeterias.

Phase VII: First-born of all school administrators eaten by demonic hounds.

Phase VII: All water in elementary school drinking fountains replaced with boiling blood.

Phase VIII: Waves ofseething helffire destroy all Madison Middle Schools, as well as several areas of McFarland and Stoughton.

Phase IX: Madison proper gets destroyed by a wave of sheer Satanic energy. Only Mr. Keys is left standing.

Phase X: Teachers go on strike.

Students all hope that this issue will resolved with minimal bloodshed.