Bob answers questions from teens around the state; come with us, as they

ASK BOB

Dear Bob,
I've been searching for a female companion for myself for quite some time, and I just don't seem to be attracting the sort of girl I'd like to be with. Help!
Richard
Oregon, WI

Well, Dick, I understand the sort ofthing you're going through; when I was a teen, I found that there are some basic ideas, that when incorporated into your daily routine, make you irresistible to the type of fluffy you're looking for.

1) Who needs bathing? Daily bathing and/or showering might SEEM like a good idea, but it actually washes away most of the body's natural pheromones (chemicals you produce NATURALLY!) that attract members ofthe opposite sex. Try cutting down on your showers; maybe one quick rinse a week is best, to rid yourself of some of the larger parasites that might live upon your naturally attractive body.

2) Try to walk as though you were gay. Really! If you adopt a feminine lilt to your stride, you'll immediately come across as a "sensitive" guy; someone girls can really trust and confide in. With a healthy sway in your walk, and perhaps some effeminate hand gestures, girls'll soon be sharing their most intimate secrets with you.

3) Everyone loves a bully! You'll find that if you nonchalantly give out "noogies" and "wedgies" to people that you talk to and relate with, that this sort of playful physical intimacy will soon grow ino a bond of trust and affection. Is there a single girl in particular you've got your eye on? Walk up quietly behind her, grab her bra strap, and snap it as hard as youpossibly can. Then laugh in a playful way, and say something like: "Wo-oh-ho! Maybe now that I'm all practiced up on how your C-cup works, we can go out and I can put my experience to good use!" A wink and a pinch at this point would probably go over well.

4) Talk about human waste. A healthy obsession with shit is something that girls often look for when searchingfor a boyfriend; when in a social situation, try casually saying things like "You wouldn't BELIEVE the size of the log I laid down this morning!" or "When's the last time you took a really huge dump?" This sort of playful earthiness is bound to catch the notice of females, and make you the focus of everyone's attention.

There you go! These tips really made a difference for me, and maybe they will for you, too. Happy hunting!

– Bob