Burmaster implicated in Kennedy assassination

The most powerful of West's feuding warlords, Elizabeth "Scarface" Burmaster, has been linked by court testimony to the conspiracy to assassinate President John F. Kennedy. According to testimony from Bryant "Luigi" Gumbel, anchor of the Today show, former Norwegian Mafia hitman, and currently on trial for parking violations, "Libby" was instrumental in the seduction of New Orleans district attorney Jim Garrison, and in the actual shooting itself.

"Yeah" said Gumbel, "Libby was the one that pulled the trigger. She was hungry for blood that day... It was only two days after she had been paroled from Attica, after getting busted for molesting a nun in Newark. Anyway, me and Ole (name deleted to protect Mr. Svenson's identity) were supposed to whack the prez, but Libby tagged along and insisted on being allowed to squeeze off the nine shots from the .44 magnum that did him in."

Mr. Gumbel went on to testify that Burmaster seduced DA Jim Garrison into moving his suspicion from the Norwegian Drug Lords of Trondheim (who were working in collusion with Indonesian parrot smugglers), to a ridiculous scenario involving the CIA, Italian Mafia, and your mother.

Mr. Gumbel's testimony continued: "The CIA/Mafia thing was her idea, too. After she and Mr. Garrison had some vodka and clams at her place, she went on to display the evidence that would win the DA over to our side. About 15 minutes later, she then showed him some papers and stuff that he could use against the mob in court."

Burmaster currently occupies the administration section of West High, which she uses as a command post in her "War On Humor"; the US Marines may soon be ordered to intervene to guard UN shipments of the "Onion" and "Dave Letterman Top 10 List" books, which have been looted by red tape-wielding bureaucrats.