School Officials Concede: 'Eatery' Trays Radioactive

School officials, in a move that confirmed long-beld fears of local medical authorites, finally conceded the radioactive nature of the "Blue Eatery Trays" used In local high schools. An anonymous official (Herbert P. Hellen) is quoted as saying "We'd been getting reports of hair lost and sterility from students in the cafeterias, and finally decided to look into matters after one of the cafeteria workers reported growing an surplus arm."

Though reports of the surplus arm have not yet been confirmed, the suspicions 400% increase in skin cancer among cafeteria employees led to a recent DNR investigation. Geiger counter readings confirmed the definite presence of high levels of radioactivity among the school-owned trays. The anonymous official (Herbert P. Hellen), is also quoted as saying 'Perhaps making trays out of surplus reactor tubing was an uninformed decision."

School officials have began an ambitious cleanup plan, set to begin In the fourth quarter of 1993, Involving student volunteers using "Joy" dishwashing liquid and scrubee pads to cleanse away the radioactivity. Hellen (the anonymous official) was also quoted as stating: "We're hoping for this cleanup program to be a great success. The wholesome atmosphere of volunteer work will help to promote the family values that we so desperately need In these modern times." The severed surplus arm will be donated to the Madison Children's Museum.