Mean Girls: The Tyranny of Regina George

Does Mean Girls screenwriter Tina Fey want to throw George W. Bush (or, to be diplomatic, George W. Bush's America) under the wheels of a bus?

Consider: For her heavy, Fey creates a despotic clique-leader named Regina George, the "queen bee" of protagonist Cady Heron's new high school. As the royal name implies, Regina George is the beneficiary of her family's wealth, which she uses to buy all the trappings of class — a silver Lexus, the chicest clothes, and, no doubt, someday, an Ivy League education. The rest of the school hates Her Highness, even as they idolize and emulate her.

Even George's friends, the Plastics, see the monarch's faults. When she decides that her friend Gretchen's ex shouldn't be dating again so soon after their breakup, George, against Gretchen's wishes, calls the new girl's parents pretending to be from Planned Parenthood — raising the specters of another George's unilateralism and disdain for abortion rights. A stickler for expelling other Plastics from the group lunch table for minor fashion violations, George is shocked — shocked! — when the same rules are applied to her own august self (caught in a sweatsuit, no less). "Shut up! Those rules aren't real," George says.

But Fey writes a route toward change. As a new "regulation hottie," Cady is accepted into the good graces of the Plastics. Recruited by the disaffected elements of her school, Cady agrees to act as a mole, a saboteur. Passing a background check and covert electronic surveillance (a secretly conferenced call where she's invited to rag on the secret conferee), Cady gets full Plastic status. She and her fellow plotters identify the three assets without which George's reign would come to a screeching halt.

The first surgical strike is against George's prime asset, her "supposedly hot body." With advice as glib as any supply-sider, Cady convinces the credulous George that wolfing down "carb-burning" chocolate bars will eventually result in massive weight loss. Instead, predictably, George bloats like an out-of control deficit, and maxes out her image-derived credit with the Plastics.

The next asset under fire is George's "army of snakes." Gretchen and Karen (Amanda Seyfried) are George's backstabbers, informants, whelps and enablers. When Cady demonstrates to each the contempt in which George really holds them, they dissolve their alliances with the queen. Thus Gretchen, a former member of the coalition of the willing, sticks up for Brutus ("who was just as cute as Caesar!") in a school paper. She ends with an exhortation, "Let's all stab Caesar!"

Lastly, George has her "man candy" — her once and future boyfriend, Engl… er, Aaron (Jonathan Bennett). The usurpers derail this "special relationship" by informing the beau that George has opened her borders for regular and vigorous trade with other suitors. GATT violations, anyone?

And how does it all end? George whips up a frenzy by playing on the fears and insecurities of her fellow students. They gather in a general assembly (in the auditorium) and declare their grievances against her. She runs into the street and gets hit by a bus. And there was much rejoicing, and a reallocation of power in Girl World.

In short, if we want Fey to continue to be able to grace us with "Weekend Update," we need to make sure the Secret Service never sees the movie and gets wise to its subrosa implications. Hopefully they're all seeing Man on Fire.

— Martin Scribbs (bluerb@yahoo.com)

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)