Flak Magazine: Review of Like Mike, 7-21-02

Like Mike is the kind of movie that makes its actors seriously evaluate their careers — a light, comedic, sometimes mawkish trifle for kids. It's about an orphan (teenaged rapper Bow Wow, still billed as Lil Bow Wow here) who gets an old pair of basketball shoes with the initials "MJ" on the tongue and, through the magic of a lightning bolt, becomes a Michael Jordan-like player. While the coveted LeBron James has to wait until he graduates high school to go to the NBA, Bow Wow and his magic shoes catapult him to the fictional Los Angeles Knights in no time, and the requisite light tension and happy endings ensue. And the NBA, which helped finance Like Mike, gives itself a big, wet, sloppy kiss.

It's no secret that the main acting beneficiary of this movie is intended to be the aforementioned, 15-year-old Bow Wow, who coincidentally also has a new CD and a tour going on during the movie's semi-successful run. But like other live-action kids' fare such as Air Bud and Angels in the Outfield, what's far more interesting is imagining what the name actors in the cast are thinking as they try to retain their past dignity during the course of the movie:

Eugene Levy (above right; plays the manager of the LA Knights): This is the great Eugene Levy renaissance? What happened to all the goodwill from American Pie? From Waiting for Guffman? And I still have to do this crap for a paycheck? I might as well remake Armed and Dangerous, for chrissake. I'll call Joe Flaherty. He'll understand.

Morris Chestnut (above left; plays Tracy Townsend, the star hoopster and Bow Wow's foil): Cuba Gooding Jr. does Boyz 'N the Hood, then works with Jonathan Lipnicki and gets an Oscar. I do Boyz 'N the Hood, then work with Jonathan Lipnicki, and the only Oscar I'm going to get is for trying so hard not to cry while I made this. Man … but come to think of it, this doesn't suck near as hard as Snow Dogs. And I don't have "The Boondocks" riding my ass for being some kind of shuck-'n-jive Tom. Yeah, maybe things are working out after all.

Jonathan Lipnicki (plays Bow Wow's best friend): New glasses, man. It's all about the new glasses. This could change everything.

David Robinson (one of many NBA players who play themselves): I have to go by David M. Robinson in the credits? Did I miss another famous David Robinson? Was that while I was in the Navy?

Robert Forster (plays coach of the Knights): Hello, Quentin? … Remember when you said Jackie Brown would do for me what Pulp Fiction did for John Travolta? … When exactly is that supposed to start happening? … What? … Quentin, don't talk so goddam fast … What? … I know you loved me in Banyan … Yeah, I know Medium Cool was great … Quentin, would you please stop talking about my career in the past tense?

Shaquille O'Neal (not appearing in this film): I see they left out the only NBA player with real acting experience. I'm Steel, the Big Aristotle, the Big Kazaam, the Big Oscar … but, you know, that's OK. Everyone in that movie will pay in the playoffs next year. They're all afraid of me — and my acting.

Vanessa Williams (plays a pharmacist): You would think after 10 years in the business that people on the set would stop asking to see my Penthouse photos. That's Vanessa L. Vanessa L.!

Crispin Glover (plays the evil orphanage owner): I only take roles that interest me. In this movie, Stan Bittleman represents the exploitation and oppression of talented, unique children by … oh, who am I kidding? I need the money.

— Bob Cook (bobc@flakmag.com)