An Internet search for "anti-Valentine" turns up Singleton coping strategies ranging from childish protest to lame self-affirmation, from anarchic vandalism to merchandising. Rather than endorse these destructive behaviors, Flak presents a few ways to survive the V-day blues without feeble excuses, self-pity, or arrests. Well, mostly.

The Inflatable Date

Make a reservation at a restaurant's special Valentine's Day dinner. Bring an inflatable doll (formal dress optional) in your purse or coat. Inflate the doll in the restroom and seat it at your table. Behave as if it is a real person. Put a napkin on its lap, ask what it would like to drink, and stroke its hand tenderly from across the table.

Public Displays of Affliction

As before, attend a Valentine's Day dinner, but with a real person who is also single and wishes to protest V-day. Dress up and arrive looking like a perfectly happy couple. Smile and exchange witty banter through the first half of the meal. Suddenly, have the male half of the couple get down on his knees and proffer a ring, offering his hand in marriage. Wait until the room's attention is fixed on the display before having the female half start laughing at the guy, explaining that not only would she never marry him, but she would also expect that he should kill himself, and pick up the check. At this point the male half of the couple, utterly tearful, should produce a "cyanide pill" (ideally, just a theatric fake blood capsule.) Weeping and spitting up blood, the male half of the couple should die and drop his Mastercard on the table as the woman strolls out of the restaurant, unperturbed. When the paramedics (also confederates) appear on the scene to haul away the body they should call out cheerfully to the room: "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Bear Hunting

Go to a gift and card shop with a selection of stuffed bears. Browse through the stuffed animals and ask a sales person for help. Say that you're proposing to your girlfriend/boyfriend and you want the perfect bear to hold the ring box. Gush. Regale them with stories of how you met, where you plan to propose, and why you love her/him so much. Speak loudly so everyone, customers and employees alike, can hear you. Make sure they will remember you.

The following day, return with the bear mangled and torn. Tell them how she/he shot you down, threw the ring in the gutter, and destroyed the bear. Cry. See if you can get your money back, and/or elicit sympathy from the sales people.

Heartless Candy

Buy several boxes of message hearts and eat or discard all of the positive messages. Save one of the boxes and fill it with the remaining negative messages. Offer the candies to people and feign bewilderment when everyone draws hearts that read:

Alethea Allarey can be reached at intern@flakmag.com.