If it's assured you'll be alone on Valentine's Day, don't make plans to sit in your nightshirt crying into a pint of Haagen-Dazs cookies 'n' cream, or participate in ritual self-abuse while staring at a Hot Teen porn site. Instead, you should watch "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown." It'll tell you not only where everything started going wrong in love (somewhere around the age of 6), but also why you continue to bother with it (because you're delusional).

Charles Schulz, the late creator of "Peanuts," always had a good sense of children's cruelty to one another and the cruelty of love — it was well-known that the inspiration for Charlie Brown's elusive Little Red-Haired Girl was a woman who had turned down Schulz's own marriage proposal. Here he combines cruelty and love to create the darkest Peanuts special ever.

The first note of Vince Guaraldi's soundtrack is a clue you won't get the warm fuzziness of "A Charlie Brown Christmas." A pianist, Guaraldi had been experimenting with electric sounds in his own albums, so when we see Charlie Brown sitting under his mailbox, waiting for valentines to arrive, Guaraldi is playing electric piano and an icy, icy synthesizer reminiscent of "Dream Weaver," a hit in 1975, the year "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown," first aired. (Guaraldi died one year and one week after the special aired — Jan. 28.)

Lucy approaches Charlie Brown under the mailbox. "Good luck," she says. "Thanks," Charlie Brown says.

"You'll need it," she snaps.

Then as Charlie Brown gets up and walks, forlornly, Snoopy, as Cupid, tries to hit him with plunger-tipped arrows, missing with every one. So he runs up to Charlie Brown and sticks one on his head. We have now reached the opening title sequence.

It gets worse from there.

"Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown" is a love story in which no one finds love. Linus has eyes for his teacher, Miss Othmar. Sally, as always, wants Linus. Violet is after an unnamed male teacher, which she reveals exactly one line after telling Linus, "It's never a good idea to fall in love with your teacher." Charlie Brown, as we've established, just wants a valentine from somebody.

And, of course, Lucy is after Schroeder, and the way she explodes when the little pianist ignores her must have been the inspiration for Fred Durst to write "Break Stuff."

Or at least it explains why she is always so crabby — the sexual tension is killing her.

Lucy leans on Schroeder's piano, reading a tale about the origin of Valentine's Day. Schroeder, playing his beloved Beethoven (an electric version of Piano Sonata No. 20 in G major, Op. 49, No. 2, 1st Movement, to be exact), pays no mind. "Sometimes I think you don't realize you could lose me," she says. "Are you sure you want to suffer the tortures of a memory of a lost love? Do you know the tortures of the memory of a lost love?"

"IT'S AWFUL!" [Lucy pounds the piano, sending Schroeder into a backflip. The background turns to maroon from purple.] "IT WILL HAUNT YOU NIGHT AND DAY!" [Lucy kicks the piano into the air. The background turns yellow.] "YOU'LL WAKE UP AT NIGHT SCREEEEAMING!" [Lucy meanwhile is jumping up and down on the piano, smashing it. The background turns red.] "YOU CAN'T EAT!" [She kicks a shard of the broken piano.] "YOU CAN'T SLEEP!" [Kicks another shard. The background turns yellow.] "YOU'LL WANT TO SMASH THINGS!" [Her teeth are gritted, her feet stomping on the piano carcass. The background turns maroon.] "YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF AND THE WORLD AND EVERYBODY IN IT!" [She says this with her face up, looking like she's all mouth, and shaking her fists. The background turns light purple. She starts crying.] "OOOWWWWW!!!! Are you sure you want to risk losing me?" [Schroeder grimaces.]

We are now three minutes into the show.

There's plenty of other pain from there. But everything culminates in Miss Othmar's classroom at Birchwood School. First, Charlie Brown receives no valentines from the box labeled "Valentines for Those We Love." (It's likely teachers required pupils to bring a valentine for everyone else after this special aired.) Linus runs after the departing Miss Othmar to give her a box of candy — except that Sally tries to intercept him, thinking Linus bought it for her, and then Violet intercepts him, saying Linus' recommendation of buying her male teacher shaving lotion didn't work — he has a beard. By the time Linus finds Miss Othmar, she's pulling away in her car — with her boyfriend.

Actually, Charlie Brown does end up with a valentine, but even that is fraught with insult. The next day, Violet leads a group of girls who said they felt guilty for Charlie Brown not getting a valentine, so Violet has erased her name from one so he could have it. Schroeder gives an impassioned speech about how insulting this gesture is. "YOU don't care ANYTHING about Charlie Brown! YOU just hate yourself for feeling GUILTY! Let me TELL YOU SOMETHING, Charlie Brown DOESN'T NEED YOUR —"

"Don't listen to them! I'll take it!" Charlie Brown says, cutting in front of Schroeder.

The special ends with Linus and Charlie Brown, commiserating over a Valentine's Day gone awry. Suddenly, Charlie Brown grows optimistic. "It was my first valentine. This could be the start of a trend! Maybe next year I'll get a whole bunch of valentines... maybe next year..." Linus cuts him off, resignedly saying, "Happy Valentine's Day, Charlie Brown."

The videotape is available just about anywhere for a little over $10, or the equivalent of three pints of Haagen-Dazs. When it ends, you'll feel as you did before it started — miserable and lonely. But at least you'll have killed 20 minutes or so.

By the way, "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown" should not be confused with the all-new special, "A Charlie Brown Valentine," airing Feb. 14 on ABC — which in the last year acquired the rights to air past and present Peanuts specials with music by jazz snoozemeister David Benoit. Could it be that the old version was considered too dark by the suits at ABC, which has been pumping Disney instead of Dolly Madison in the Peanuts advertising? Don't watch the new version; just eat your ice cream and download your porn.

Bob Cook can be reached at bob@flakmag.com.