The Tuk Tuk Ruse
By Eric Hananoki

BANGKOK, THAILAND — Apparently, we were missing out.

There was a big gem expo in Bangkok, where visitors from around the world came to take advantage of low, duty-free prices. But today was the last day. Wait till tomorrow, and you'll have to wait till next year for low, duty-free prices.

"You must visit this gem expo!" our driver told a friend and me at a busy intersection.

We declined, and instead made a stop at one of Thailand's many temples. While there, a man approached us and asked what else we planned to see. Oh, and had we heard about the big gem expo in town?

"People from America love it the most!" he exclaimed. "The government allows tourists to buy gems duty-free, and make a profit when they sell it to people at home."

"Americans say, 'I'll buy one for my mother. I'll buy one for my sister. I'll buy one for my wife's mother...'"

I was clearly missing out. But that's okay. With a daily budget of $20, buying gems — no matter how inexpensive, at an expo no matter how big — wasn't my idea of a thrifty sightseeing vacation.

"Okay," replied our disappointed driver, mourning for our gemless family and friends, after we rejected another expo offer. "But I have to make one stop to refuel."

We agreed. And it turns out the refueling station is a gem expo. And the gem expo is a small, overpriced jewelry shop in Bangkok's backstreets. We had just experienced a time-honored rite-of-passage for tourists: the Thai gem scam, courtesy of our tuk-tuk driver.

If you ever find yourself in Thailand, chances are you've jumped aboard a tuk-tuk. Tuk-tuks aren't quite taxi cabs, and not exactly mopeds. Wikipedia, the most trusted source for lazy writers, defines the tuk-tuk as "the Southeast Asian version of a vehicle known elsewhere as an auto rickshaw or cabin cycle. It is a widely used form of urban transport in Bangkok and other Thai cities."

Even if you don't need transportation, they're hard to miss. Step out of your hotel, and you're transformed into an instant celebrity with drivers yelling, waving, even grabbing you while shouting, "tuk-tuk? TUK-TUK!?" as if it were water in the desert.

The pay is not good. The average driver makes 102,336 Thai Baht a year, or roughly $268 a month. Fares are infrequent, the hours are long and passengers, as is customary, rarely tip. To supplement their meager income, many drivers turn to the gem scam, among others, and receive small referrals for bringing tourists to shops and more if tourists actually buy something.

Tuk-tuk drivers also feed the unfortunate underbelly of Thailand: prostitution. After shouting offers for transportation, drivers will thrust pocket-sized Village Voicesque picture ads of semi-nude women, asking if you "like girls."

To get you in their tuk-tuk, some wily drivers push bad information. Wandering around northern Bangkok, lost, and looking at a large tourist map, I was approached by one driver asking me where I was going.

"Reclining Buddha? It's not open," replied the driver.

"Not open? Why isn't it open?"

"It's sleeping Buddha. It closes now, too late," said the driver, pointing to his watch — just 2pm. "I take you to better temples," he continued, pointing to several less-celebrated temples across town.

Declining his offer, we ventured to the reclining Buddha, also known as Wat Pho. It was open. And it was lovely, until it started to thunder just an hour in.

Trying to get back to our hotel several miles away, we spurned the frenzied advances of Tuk-Tuk drivers and their rain-exposed cabins, and instead waived down a bright yellow metered Toyota cab. Saved from the soaking rain, I plopped down on the backseat and told the driver the name of our hotel.

"Okay, no problem." the cab driver replied, driving away from the curb. He didn't turn on the meter.

He paused: "I take you to discount gem expo?"

E-mail Eric Hananoki at halona at gmail dot com.

— graphic by Mike Ramsey