The Splog: A Weblog by Flak Magazine
by Flak Staff
graphic by Derek Evernden
A one-stop shop for all your spam needs, if there is such a thing as spam needs. [More...]
Spam of the Day: Spermamax
Create your offspring with Spermamax.
Spermamax is your key to amaz1ng chicks.
?
lmagine what could happen if the king$ weren't able to father.
Now there wouldn't be anyone to rule the world.
And the civilization would have died many centuries ago.
See, there's actually this crazy new thing called "Democracy." It doesn't require genetic continuity between outgoing and incoming leaders.
It's kind of a recent development — certainly no more than 3,000 years old — but we think it might be just the kind of work-around civilization needs to maintain itself sans Spermamax. Only one way to find out. Does civilization exist in places where there aren't kings? Yes?
Okay, things seem to have worked out.
Maybe they used herbs that are enclosed in Spermamax and thus had no problems with fertility function. Maybe this can be a way out for you too.
Yeah, wasn't there actually a hieroglyph for "Spermamax"?
When she swallows your sperm with Spermamax it's like she's having a dinner. It's very filling and healthy.
Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news about the grocery budget. I guess it's more like good news and more good news from where I'm sitting, but I suspect this might be a controversial announcement from your perspective.
[posted by James Norton — 01.20.06]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: Floam
Date: December 30, 2005
From: Floam
Subject: Roll it, Mold it, Cover it, That's the way you FLOAM it!
The ad's text:
Floam — hottest toy in America. Non-toxic. Double-sized tubs. Includes free model making guide. Not available in stores! 30 day money back guarantee. Great craft item.
This ad the purports to provide information. But instead, it raises questions.
If Floam is indeed the hottest toy in America, why are XBox 360s still on backorder all over the land whereas Floam is instantly obtainable via unsolicited e-mail?
Also, wouldn't stores want to sell the hottest toy in America? Presumably, sales of the toy could be used to generate money, which stores like. Many successful and popular toys have been sold at stores.
Why is the hottest toy in America going on sale after, rather than before, Christmas?
Is it absolutely necessary to state that it's nontoxic? The e-mail includes a graphic (see below) of children wearing Floam on their faces. Isn't its safety therefore implicit?
Since we presumably have no idea what Floam is (as we need to be informed of its harmlessness and baited with a 30-day money back guarantee), how is a "double sized" tub any inducement to purchase it? Double what? How much Floam is enough? What's a single size?
Let's take a look at the image that we've been e-mailed, shall we?
There no easy way to say this, but these children are simply horrible. They're what the kids from "Lord of the Flies" would have looked like at about Week 8, just before Piggy is crushed to death by the boulder and right after the children have uncovered the giant crate of Floam in the wreckage of the downed RAF Spitfire.
They don't look as though they're having fun per se. They seem to be anticipating violence, much as a housecat stalking a wounded rodent pulls back on its haunches before the final fatal lunge. The dehumanizing, garish masks make this e-mail a truly disturbing picture of man's descent into unchecked barbarism.
Hooray for Floam!
[posted by James Norton — 01.03.06]
Link for this post.
"Splogs suck and they're spam"
Just as shoegazing indie mix-tape compilers have been known to agonize
for several album-lengths over whether it's "Arcade Fire" or "The
Arcade Fire," this recent post at "geek to live" blog Lifehacker
demonstrates, more than anything else, the importance of a definite
article ...
Dealing with Splogs
Splogs are those fake blogs that pollute search engine results. They
pretend to offer content, but when you open them they're just full of
garbage links trying to harvest click-through profits. It doesn't
matter if they're promoting obscure e-stores, racking up the ad
clicks, or working the page-rank system. Splogs suck and they're spam.
Fighting Splog is a new blog that chronicles the ongoing splog battle.
As of yet, there's not much you can do about splogs — although you
can use Kailash Nadh's new Splogspot search engine to see how badly
splogs have latched onto certain queries. (Try searching for poker for
example.) Splogs aren't going away any time soon. Become aware and get
ready for the upcoming Splog Wars.
A few clarifications:
_The_ Splog is no fake. _The_ Splog does not just "pretend" to offer
content. None of _The_ Splog's links are garbage click-through profit
harvesters, because _The_ Splog makes no money. And _The_ Splog
couldn't give a subway rat's ass about the page-rank system.
Rest assured, reader. Lifehacker's right about one thing: _The_ Splog
isn't "going away any time soon," unless it's to take any and all
comers, in these supposed forthcoming wars, in the fight to provide
all your spam needs. Bring. It. On.
[posted by Louis Cooke — 10.20.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: The Subject Says It All
"Highly-evolved" spammers understand that when browsing our junk folder, we simply don't have time to open every message. A comprehensive subject line goes a long way to capturing our attention. (Note, also, the e-mail's final paragraph, which either came from a revivalist pamphlet or the lyrics to something by a '70s codpiece soft-rock band.)
From: Reynaldo J Gomes
Reply-To: Reynaldo J Gomes
To: Louis
Date: 11-Oct-2005 16:58
Subject: you spent years in the school of life but not enough in a
real school and now you can't get the job with the better pay. Now you
can buy that piece of paper from a real school!
If your educational portfolio is causing your financial portfolio to
suffer then you need to check this out
http://COMMONGOAL.INFO
forever terminate future maling by visiting this : http://www.COMmonGoal.Info
The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love
and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover
that for you the world is transformed.
[posted by Louis Cooke — 10.20.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: Postmodern Tech Spam
There's something almost reassuring about tech spam. As though if a day goes by and you don't receive a message offering the latest
in cellular or solar-powered-fountain technology, you worry there
might have been a breach in the space-time continuum. Still,
the occasional tech spam manages to break the mould.
Date: September 27, 2005 5:23 pm
From: EiONE Digital
Subject: Looking MP3 and MP4 Player Distributor or Buyer
Dear Sir / Madam
I would like to introduce myself as Stephen Y.K. Lee working in GoodsWell.com Limited which specializes in MP3 and MP4 Player.
Classic salutation. Spam-standard fourth-grade-level grammar. Generic Asian — but not too ethnic — name. So far, so formulaic.
You will be interested to hear that our EiONE MP3 and MP4 Player, which is selling very strongly on the home market.
Because of its success in this country, we thought there might be sales potential abroad, and we would welcome your advice as to whether,
in your opinion, there is a market in your district.
It makes perfect sense for a company whose product is doing well at home to solicit my totally uninformed and business-ignorant advice
on marketing to consumers here. In my "district." Because suddenly I'm a public official.
If you were interested in our EiONE MP3 and MP4 Player or inspect the full
range of our products.
please visit our web site
www.eione-digital.com
OR
contact us for more information.
If you actually bother to check out the website (which has equally spam-riffic grammar and punctuation), you'll find this company is in Hong Kong
(surprise, surprise!) and boasts a "famous brand name." I don't even understand how to pronounce EiONE.
For retail company, our min. order is 5pcs only.
Only five pieces! Throw in a California roll and it's a deal!
Your truly,
Stephen Y.K. Lee
Sales Manager
But wait — there's more. The key to stand-out spam: Leave the best for last...
NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD.
Even spam has entered the postmodern age. With the terseness of a biblical injunction, this spam has almost as keen a sense of irony as President Bush
on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
[posted by Noam Lupu — 10.12.05]
Link for this post.
Spam Investigation: Revenge of the Subject Lines
We're dispensing with any pretense of analysis, and just making with the the one-liners, already.
1. Subject: Moms dont just clean
They also cook!
2. Subject: Power & Respect — Rolex Replica!
Uh... yeah.
3. Subject: The Villager Standard — article pertaining modern life
As a conformist villager living in modern times, I find this e-mail irresistable!
4. Subject: We want you, not your money!
But I'd rather you just took the money.
5. Subject: Fat boy wants to meet a woman
What — is this an e-mail, or the plot synopsis for Citizen Kane?
6. Subject: increased organ mass without drugs
It's called "dropsy," and it's not a good thing.
7. Subject: The Whore Lived Like a German
So... she was, what... efficient? A fan of polkas? What the dickens are you getting at?
8. Subject: Your a Winner
These people have apparently given away so much money that they can't afford another "e" or an apostrophe.
9. Subject: It got on me
Here's a crazy suggestion: just wipe it off and don't e-mail anyone about it.
10. Subject: Home Re-fi w/ChristianFamilyLoans.com
Isn't there a whole book in the Old Testament about not hassling people with unwanted commercial solicitations? No? How about the New Testament?
11. Subject: Imagine there's no fat
If only John Lennon had lived another 20 years, we might have heard him sing these beautiful words.
12. Subject: I found something!
Let me guess: It's semen, a discount Segway personal transporter, a home refinance loan, a woman who engages in unnatural congress with a donkey or a knock-off version of a Rolex watch.
13. Subject: It's been too long that these sons have kept them away from fucking their moms
Hang on to your hats, folks... it's pronoun madness!
14. Subject: Software at Unbelievable Prices %RANDOMCHAR
Nothing inspires confidence in new software like a software error in the subject line of the solicitation e-mail.
15. Subject: Libya Enquirer — in-depth article exposing Computers in 2005
You probably remember their 2004 in-depth article, which exposed Toaster Ovens. You gotta hand it to the Libyans: They know their home appliance exposés.
[posted by James Norton — 09.27.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: Simon Wong, Seer of Seers
The authorities are still struggling to identify the bodies, but that can't stop an ambitious spiritual leader from pouncing on the commericial opportunity provided by last week's terrorist bombings in London!
Date: July 13, 2005 3:24 am
From: Yellow Dragon
Subject: Feng Shui and Astrology can predict terrorist attacks
Another of Master Simon Wong's predictions comes true
Terrorist Attacks in London
London was last week hit by terrorist attacks that killed over 50 people.
In his book Success for 2005: Flying Star Feng Shui and Chinese Astrology, Master Simon Wong predicted that, with the number 3 conflict star, in the southeast this year combined with the bad chinese astrology stars, London could face terrorist threats and accidents.
Ah, yes. Master Simon Wong's Feng Shui and Chinese Astrology. So precise and accurate that they could predict that the capital of America's leading ally might be attacked by terrorists.
The power of feng shui can truly be life-changing. With the right information you can make sure you're not in the wrong place at the wrong time!
Find out for yourself and read more about how to protect you and your family from disaster in Success for 2005: Flying Star Feng Shui and Chinese Astrology.
Was $19.95, now half price — $9.95!
A question for Master Simon Wong: Is it good or bad feng shui to use the deaths of 52 people to promote your book?
[posted by James Norton — 07.12.05]
Link for this post.
The London Bombing Spam
Wherever tragedy strikes... whenever children are made orphans, wives are made widows, and family members have their loved ones wrenched away in a savage spasm of violence... Spam is there!
[posted by James Norton and Louis Cooke — 07.11.05]
Link for this post.
Spam Envy or Spam Never Sent
Until the media explained it, the flood of German spam over the weekend created for its recipients a sort of spam mini-mystery. What was with all this German political spam? Were they missives intended for a German audience that suddenly gained a lot of exposure? Were they designed to persuade or provoke? Were they setting up a German invasion of America? (A cultural kind, not the World War kind.) And, for those less versed in German, were those even real German sentences?
Those of us who received no German spam, however, found ourselves feeling a new emotion — spam envy. We coveted our neighbor's spam. We longed to be clued in to the Teutonic whodunnit, to fire up Babelfish, whip out our German-to-English dictionaries and think back to all those afternoons spent staring out the window in Deutsch class.
My grandparents came over on the boat from Germany, along with one uncle and one aunt, dammit. Why does this guy get German spam and not me?
[posted by Eric Wittmershaus — 05.18.05]
Link for this post.
The Phishing Quiz
This valuable Internet safety test does not involve having to listen to 14 hours of directionless instrumental jamming.
[posted by Louis Cooke — 05.10.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: Bad Medicine
It's easy to be skeptical of everything that the spam community throws your way. But once in a while, something truly amazing comes along.
Date: May 1, 2005 12:23 pm
Subject: magi whelk
The Breakthrough of "The Antidote" — PROVEN
Kills all Known Viruses & Bacteria in the body that keep diseases like
Influenza, SARS, Cancer, HIV, etc. active.
The Antidote is the answer for virus/bacteria free-living.
We are the only company in the world who have developed this product
for sale.
To Learn More please follow:
http://2005kingcrock.us/nan
Let's see. This new product cures absolutely everything.
And the webpage it directs you to is entitled "kingcrock," as in "crock of amazing healing technology."
Eat it, March of Dimes — you've been Interneted!
[posted by James Norton — 05.02.05]
Link for this post.
Prêt à Porter: Your Own Pair of Splogs
As we predicted: Splog-mania has finally spread to investors and executives within the footwear industry and you can now wear splogs on your feet. Congratulations, America! Even men can get into the act!
[posted by Louis Cooke and James Norton — 04.30.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: The Spam that Launched 1,000 Questions
Outside of filter-evading stream-of-consciousness gibberish and the occasional subject-line shocker, spam is rarely perplexing. But a recent e-mail mixing unsolicited communication and poetry in a way other than the one we're accustomed to, gave us pause.
From: "Getyourgift" (relief@gattacainc.com)
To: eric at flakmag dot com
Date: April 12, 2004
Subject: , the muse struck.
Other than a disclaimer apparently from Internet marketing firm Gattaca Inc., this e-mail contains only an image promoting some kind of poetry contest, which itself links to a website featuring an entry form for said contest.
The ad is puzzling. First off, it features a bust of William Shakespeare, with an exhortation of "Brush up your Shakespeare!" How did they know my Shakespeare had gotten so dusty? True, the contest's 21-line limit would allow the sonnets the Bard so excelled at. But to just turn in one of those would be plagiarism. So what gives?
The ad states, "$352,000 awarded!" But to whom? How many people? Does anyone who submits a poem get $1, or are there substantial prizes at stake? A visit to famouspoets.com, the site mentioned in the ad, offers answers, but raises more questions.
The site says you can win $50,000 in one day, but the two women featured on the front page, Cathy Kaiser of Phoenix and Elma Photikarm of Palatine, Ill., (neither of whom are famous) won $25,000 each. That may not be enough money to counter the psychological damage wrought by the website's horrible Photoshop work. What's more, one of the two winning poems is mediocre while the other is spectacularly bad.
A link to a book being sold on Amazon.com appears to lend the venture some legitimacy, but the book's being ranked No. 929,201 in Amazon's book section immediately quashes that legitimacy, which is then banished into the nether reaches of the subconscious by the publisher's description of the book:
Every poet in this book has won a cash prize of $1,000.00 or more, in one or more poetry contests, sponsored by the Famous Poets Society. Their combined winnings? A whopping $289,000.00 in cash! For 100 poems! What a treat, dear reader, is in store for you.
Every element of famouspoets.com — in particular, the rogue's galleries of contest winners, who apparently are feted in the twin poetry meccas of Reno, Nev., and Orlando, Fla. — smacks of some grand McSweeney's-esque joke. But earnest literary hipsters aren't the spam-sending type, are they?
And so we appeal to you, dear reader. Brush up your Shakespeare, study up on past successes and win the poetry contest. Travel to Reno or Orlando and out this confounding cabal of sonnet-loving spammers!
[posted by Eric Wittmershaus — 04.13.05]
Link for this post.
Spam Investigation: The Subject Line Redux
Wherein the subject lines just... keep... coming.
1.
Subject: Get good facts then invest
Analysis: A very straightforward piece of advice that should guide investors everywhere.
Appeals to: People with a raging fetish for the obvious.
2.
Subject: CONGRATULATION!!! YOU WON A MICROSOFT LOTTERY
Analysis: I WON A MICROSOFT LOTTERY.
Appeals to: People sufficiently "in the know" to recognize that Microsoft is a major corporation, but not savvy enough to realize that they don't actually sponsor a lottery. On the Internet.
3.
Subject: STRAIGHT TALK ON HAIR TRANSPLANTS
Analysis: Finally, after all the lies from people in government, Sen. John McCain cuts through the crap with news we can use about surgically installed hair plugs.
Appeals to: Bald iconoclasts who defy the mainstream media.
4.
Subject: Buy Cialis online for a spontaneous love reaction
Analysis: The act of buying anti-impotence drug Cialis online will provoke a "spontaneous love reaction."
Appeals to: Sex offenders.
5.
Subject: Take 1, and wait for 15 mins then go
Analysis: A new laxative supplement is available. Or a new electric car that takes 15 minutes to charge up. Or LSD.
Appeals to: People who are vaguely interested in "taking" something, but aren't picky about what it might be.
6.
Subject: you can save few hundreds bucks a month Flossie
Analysis: Who... who but a cow is ever named "Flossie"? What kind of expenses could a cow possibly have?
Appeals to: Cows with e-mail.
7.
Subject: Double penetration ! In vogue
Analysis: Please — was it ever out of vogue?
Appeals to: Reconstructive surgeons.
8.
Subject: Catch the exp|Osi0n fr0m breaking news
Analysis: Whoa! Nothing says "fun" like the word "explosion" in conjunction with the accurate reporting of current events.
Appeals to: Wait a second — that isn't fun at all.
9.
Subject: Boing... (the sound produced by a little pill)
Analysis: Speculation would likely be unprofitable.
Appeals to: Sound effect trivia buffs.
10.
Subject: Swapping the sticky stuff — fudge
Analysis: Ah, those were the days — when kids played baseball all summer long, when the local fishing hole was hottest hang-out in town, and the church fudge-swap was the social event of the year.
Appeals to: Norman Rockwell and clergy of every conceivable faith.
11.
Subject: Become one of the low rates
Analysis: You too can join the ranks of the low rates.
Appeals to: High... rates?
12.
Subject: Payment Received: $948281
Analysis: An e-mail that seeks to fool the reader into thinking he or she was very recently extremely rich, and then spent all of their money without remembering the transaction.
Appeals to: Forgetful moguls.
13.
Subject: Feel No More Pain
Analysis: A recommendation of suicide and/or coma-inducing levels of morphine.
Appeals to: Thom Yorke, but on a purely artistic level.
14.
Subject: Email-confirm: Your dog's vitality sample.
Analysis: Man... whoo. There aren't a lot of things this could refer to, and none of them are good.
Appeals to: Your dog, primarily. And your dog's veterinarian.
15.
Subject: NEW: Male impotence party pack... OVER 80% off!
Analysis: Someone's about to get a great deal on supplies for a male impotence party.
Appeals to: Impotent cheapskates everywhere.
[posted by James Norton — 03.23.05]
Link for this post.
The BBC Spam Blame Game
Ever wonder why the tide of spam is ever-rising? The BBC breaks it down with a story blaming the bad behavior of we, the people.
It makes sense: If spam wasn't lucrative, people wouldn't send it out. The story's most shocking fact? One in 10 users have bought products advertised in junk mail.
One in 10. Who are you people?
[posted by James Norton — 03.24.05]
Link for this post.
Spamtoons
Spamusement promises "poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines! Some highlights are "Your Life Ins. Company PRAYS you will NEVER SEE this," "America's best kept Secret," "If you die tonight, what happens to your family tomorrow" and "It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
"Movie Star lips anywhere anytime — right in your bag" is disturbing, yet effective. "Kinkade's FIRST snowman" is a crude stab at a popular target.
Sure, they aren't all hits, but it's worth a look.
[posted by Eric Wittmershaus — 03.15.05]
Link for this post.
Spam Investigation: The Subject Line
Without a catchy subject line, your spam is sunk. You've gotta stand out from the other 4,320 garbage e-mails your prospective mark has already received today. That means clear writing and a title that zaps itself immediately into your target's subconscious.
For educational purposes, here are 15 striking spam subject lines, analyzed and ranked in order of their clarity and impact, descending from "self-evident" to "totally mystifying."
15.
Subject: winning notification.
Analysis: I've won! I've finally won!
Appeals to: Incredibly naive greed.
14.
Subject: Stocks discovered for quick profit
Analysis: Suggests some kind of stock tip. But any intuitive knowledge of how a real stock tip would be handled suggests that this tip is part of a "pump and dump" scheme, at best.
Appeals to: Slightly less but still substantially naive greed.
13.
Subject: Protect your family with affordable coverage jim
Analysis: Peace of mind for people comforted by the thought of protecting their loved ones with insurance purchased via spam e-mail.
Appeals to: Chumps, suckers, rubes and easy marks.
12.
Subject: Mr. Coffey has $140,884 waiting for you
Analysis: Coffey has finally come through with the big bucks!
Appeals to: Chumps, suckers, rubes, and easy marks who are convinced that "if the number isn't even, it can't be a scam."
11.
Subject: RE: Your Prepaid Visa has been Approved (apparently sent to myself)
Analysis: I don't remember sending out a message telling someone that their prepaid Visa had been approved. Am I living a horrifying, Kafkaesque, amnesia-driven life like Leonard Shelby, the dude in Memento?
Appeals to: People who can't remember things and live weird lives.
10.
Subject: S E X with the hottest college bitches
Analysis: While the promise seems to be fairly clear, the "bitch" descriptor is a mystery. Doesn't everyone prefer to make love to young ladies with a calm, even-tempered disposition, who are a pleasure to be with both before and after the actual period of intercourse?
Appeals to: Those drawn to dysfunctional relationships.
9.
Subject: Incredible Forever Living Aloe Vera Juice And Diet
Analysis: We all knew this day eventually come: someone would discover the secret to immortality and then disseminate it via e-mail to strangers. An amazing day for philosophy and biology. Unless the subject line refers to an immortal aloe vera plant, which is somewhat weirder.
Appeals to: Aloe vera-lovers and would-be demigods everywhere.
8.
Subject: drip-outs & licking
Analysis: Although this has a lot of unsavory initial connotations, it's quite possible that this is a cooking-related e-mail referring to the delicious, marinating goodness that emerges from a slow-cooked meat dish such as a stuffed turkey or a whole ham. Right? Right...?
Appeals to: Sickos and Pollyannish amateur chefs.
7.
Subject: For the attention of you!
Analysis: Clearly, this mail is for me. Or, wait. No, it's almost certainly not.
Appeals to: People stupid enough to think that this mail is for them, specifically.
6.
Subject: You must become to the prizewinning person for your wife.
Analysis: A stranger with a loose grip on the English language contacts you by e-mail, urging you to triumph in more contests for the benefit of your wife.
Appeals to: Dyslexic, self-loathing married men with a desperate, poorly focused sense of ambition.
5.
Subject: Why is my husband Fat
Analysis: Gosh, I don't know. It could be overeating. It could be hereditary. Oh, I'm sorry, are you sending me spam?
Appeals to: Underworked nutritionists.
4.
Subject: girls expect a Fast Load
Analysis: One, this isn't entirely clear. Two, if it's intended to mean what it seems to mean, it's true, but not a positive situation — while women may expect a "fast load," they certainly don't want a fast load. Three, it's not at all an enticing idea. Where has the romance gone?
Appeals to: Fast load-delivering men, or those who wish to see fast loads delivered by others.
3.
Subject: indiscretion blunt buttock
Analysis: Since buttocks tend to be "blunt" — as opposed to "sharp," or "jagged" or "crystalline" — this doesn't really narrow anything down. The "indiscretion" doesn't much clarify things either.
Appeals to: Blunt buttock fans everywhere.
2.
Subject: Is my father Fat
Analysis: A real puzzler. Even more mystifying than "Why is my husband Fat," which might have at least had some strange sexual appeal to men who fantasize about cuckolding hapless fatties. What possible relevance could a total stranger's fat father have to anyone?
Appeals to: Nobody.
1.
Subject: Software 3000 basalt
Analysis: Your outmoded Software 2000 basalt can finally be upgraded.
Appeals to: VolcanoBot 3000.
[posted by James Norton — 03.09.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day: Our Favorite Declaratives
Sometimes, all it takes are a stack of filter-eluding nouns and verbs to make your day and make you think. The computer that wrote this one had a human heart and sense of humor.
Date: Feb. 9, 2005 1:18 pm
Subject: PAYMENT SOLUTION
The beagles love guys named "Pete." Bubbas laugh at television evangelists. Spiritualists panic the racing car drivers. Fossils make the best doctors. Without exception, the brats hit on optical illusions.
Employees discriminate against ogres. In the dark of night, the peanut butter eaters maintain that cannibals say nasty things about idiots. Boys will marry the industrialists.
Shoe salesmen gaze longingly at telephone operators. Student senators are
befuddled by spirits. Civil servants lecture sternly to goblins. The President announced today that the classical musicians make good substitutes for orphans.
Cowboys should kiss the scientists! Giants cohabitate with ballroom dancers. Ecologists worship grandmothers. Vipers have affairs with walruses. Administrators are always running into ladies. Many teaching assistants join forces with jokers. Ghouls will no longer tolerate turtles. Puppets do not trust Democrats.
You can debate with liberal arts majors.
Hippies blame the professional wrestlers.
Everyone knows that the human beings wish to meet moms.
In the summer months the circus geeks avoid angels.
Babies were all once dads.
(Edited for length.)
[posted by James Norton and Becca Dilley — 02.16.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day vs. Spam Poetry
It's been well documented that people turn away from poetry for many of the same reasons they turn away from spam: they're both difficult to read, use words that no one understands and dare to discuss the greatest of human mysteries. But here at Flak, we're interested in challenging the way people interact with their unsolicited inbox happenings. And this spam-poem (sploem?), brought to our attention by long-time Flak campaigner-for-truth and writer Bob Cook, infuses the magic of Dada-ist symbology with the challange-to-social-norms we've all come to expect from spam. Does it reject the laws of beauty? Does it cast aside the constraints of the social order? Does it offer an explicit challenge to the form, content and role of e-mail, communication and literature in our lives? Yes, yes. And yes. Behold, The Real Thing:
wac is prudential of scrim in poisonous
landau in plane if melissa arecroupier
juneau of basso and supranational in danbury
clutter are knurl of stoichiometry in runneth
Yeah. That's what we thought.
[posted by Joey Rubin and Bob Cook — 01.21.05]
Link for this post.
Spam of the Day
Just when you think you've become immune to spam's oily, robotically deceptive charms, a particularly well-crafted e-mail slips under your radar.
From: lizie at flakmag.com
To: jim at flakmag.com
Date: Oct. 12, 2004 1:18 pm
Subject: Let's socialize, my friend!
Hey Jim,
Don't you remember me?
For more information see the attached file.
For security reasons attached file is password protected. The password is 
.
If you were to draw a Venn diagram between "spam-talk" and "odd things my friends might actually type," the phrase "Let's socialize, my friend!" would fall squarely in the middle, in that shaded part that denotes overlap.
Then, the sender's address. It's a flakmag.com address, which lulls me into a sense of security. But who is Lizie? A former intern? One of the seven different TV editors who worked at the magazine for less than a week before inexplicably melting down?
She doesn't look familiar, that's for sure. It certainly looks like someone's random yearbook photo.
And... wait. What? I have to open a password-protected .zip file in order to find out what Lizie has to say to me after all these years? Or months? Or however long?
The guy divided his spam into commercial spam and virus-carrying spam. It's interesting to look at the graph and then read the explainers below the graph, spotting the exact moment that the SoBig worm hit inboxes around the world. Thanks to Flak staff writer Louis Cooke for the heads up on this one.
The content of this e-mail isn't as important as the recipient. The following piece of e-mail was the first spam received by this blog, spam@flakmag.com. It's common knowledge among those who get a lot of junk e-mail that the best way to get spam is to have your e-mail address published on the Web. Well, this blog started up on July 20, which means it took two days short of two months for the first spam to hit.
MRS. MONICA KABILA
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
I am fifty-two years old widow (the second wife) of late President Laurent
Kabila of the Republic of Congo. My husband was the former President of
D.R.C who was assassinated by one of his own bodyguards on 16th January
2001.
At the mid-term of the rebellion which is still on in my country, I, my son
and the younger brother of my husband went out of Congo according to my husband's instruction before his death because the fate of our country was yet to be decided. We came with sealed diplomatic baggage to South Africa.
Well, you probably know where this is heading, so we'll spare you the rest. (If you're not sure where this is going, the Nigerian Fraud Email Gallery is a good place to start.) What's surprising is that it took so long for the blog to generate its own spam. One can only assume that addresses published in more high-profile places start raking in the junk a little faster.
Nardell isn't trying to enlarge my (or Amy's or Eric's) penis, con me out of my life
savings, sell me porn, fix my credit, lend me money or teach me Ebay secrets. That's
not what Nardell is about. All he wants to do is help me beautify my backyard with
an energy efficient water feature. Can't fault him for that.
The Chicago Tribune recently published an excellent profile of Ryan Pitylak, a prolific young 22-year-old spammer who's getting rich off America's inboxes. For whatever reason, I can't find the article on the Trib's website, so here it is on the website of the Times Leader, a newspaper in Pennsylvania.
A Chicago Tribune inquiry based on hundreds of documents, visits to scores of Internet sites and more than two dozen interviews reveals that Pitylak is one of the nation's most prodigious manufacturers of unsolicited commercial e-mail, more commonly known as spam. And it sheds new light on the murky legal context in which spammers are able to operate.
Pitylak refused repeated opportunities to respond to this report. But public records indicate that, for a 22-year-old college student, he is doing very well. He owns a modern ranch-style house, valued for tax purposes at $450,000, in one of Austin's nicest neighborhoods, and he has a late-model Jaguar parked in the driveway.
Unlike most articles looking at the world of spam, this one does it through a specific spammer, who appears to have started soliciting in his early teens and has set up scores of shell companies to help cover his tracks.
It's pretty common for e-mail users to disable HTML and graphics in their mail. This is done to keep horse-fucking pictures from getting you fired. Unfortunately, someone out there has come up with a way to send you porn even if you've turned off graphics.
This message is intended for an adult audience only.
Find out more at http://www.doev.info/mbar/.
We don't wish to bother you should you not want to receive our e-mail. Please visit http://doev.info/egg/o/ to get off of our list. If that doesn't work, please try the other page at http://206.223.1.105/o/.
If seeing this saucy lass doesn't make your loins long for more, nothing will. Rowr.
Sometimes appeals to our baser instincts miss the mark.
A totally outta control place to see all your favorite Celebs caught on camera doing what their agents ask them never to do
It's great to hear from you after all this time.
I regret to inform you that I can't place the nipples in question; are they — and this is just an off-hand guess — your sister Molly's? Or maybe your sister Shannon's?
Either way, I think it's in pretty bad taste to send this e-mail around to anyone but your closest friends. I am honored to consider myself part of that elite group.
At any rate, thanks for your invitation to the totally outta control place. Your description really piqued my interest. Here are the sort of things I would hope to see caught on camera:
Geraldo Rivera going to Afghanistan, waving a pistol around, and swearing to personally shoot Osama Bin Laden.
Steve Martin writing several powerfully banal little novels.
If that's the sort of stuff the camera catches, I think your description of the place as "totally outta control" is an apt one.
Improved vision. muse
HELP ME PLEASE
whispering under the gateway
Redhead suck big dog cock
its not funny when you do that
Given that there are people out there who actually buy stuff pitched in spam, and given that spammers often need to engage in a bit of nonsensical jibber-jabber to get past increasingly tough spam filters, at what point do the methods overpower the scant likelihood of a sale? Whatever the case, this message is on the wrong side of that threshold.
We hav>e beYebn notifi~eaWd that your mortRVgsage rate is fixed aIt a verJGy high interesfWt raut7e. There/fore y?ou are currecntly ovKerpqa\ying, which sjOuA6myAs-up t>o thoBusands of doibllars annu4Qal|ly .
Luckily fkor you wGze cran guarantee the lowest rates in toh3e U.S. (3.57%). So huTLrry bevncause th:e rasGte forecast is not lookCfing good!
These aren't Iraq's Most Wanted playing cards this spammer is hawking. This is a mortgage — the biggest investment most average Americans ever make. Are you going to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars with someone who promises you a loan "eaAven" if you have "bad creXdMit!" Then again, maybe your "creXdMit!" is really bad.
Also, I rent.
Spam, like junk mail, has become a fact of life. But like a sailor marooned on a desert island with Gilbert Gottfried, we at Flak are determined to make the best of a bad situation.
Sure, junk e-mail is annoying. But it can also be funny and frightening, silly and sickening, anger-provoking and absurd. Mixed in with the standard mortgage rate, penis enlargement and investment opportunity pitches are plenty of pearls. Some of us even forward our "favorite" piece of spam to our friends.
Yet probably the second-most irritating thing about spam — next to its uncanny knack for cluttering inboxes — is that there's no way to contact the spammer, to give him or her credit for crafting a stunning piece of unwanted commercial prose. Or to ask follow-up questions. So we at Flak have created the Splog, in which we'll share with you our favorite spam and give shout-outs to the Internet's Shakespearean solicitors.
In between commenting on our favorite inbox clutterers, we'll share links and short bulletins about all things to do with junk e-mail. From updates on the efforts to create a do-not-spam registry to the occasional post featuring the processed pork product of the same name, if it's spam, we've got it covered.
So come on, feel the come-ons.
And if there's something you'd like to see in the Splog or if you'd like to contribute, drop us a line: spam@flakmag.com.
