This blog — Absurdities and inequities are easy to spot in American culture, but simply being amused by them is an inadequate response. Which is why, effective immediately, we're discontinuing it.

See, a couple weeks ago, we received an e-mail about the blog from a longtime reader and contributor: "It was good," he wrote. "Now let's kill it before it becomes overly sanctimonious and preachy."

Overly sanctimonious and preachy? Us? Could that be? If you're not careful, perhaps, you come to resemble that which you mock, just as comic book enemies, in a hackneyed plot twist, realize they aren't that different after all.

Does this post — this whole blog — smack of self-hating irony? Of course it does. We feel lucky, and guilty, living in a country where (unlike most places through most of history) we can write what we want and (John Ashcroft notwithstanding) think what we want. We feel ashamed that we use toxic bacteria to smooth wrinkles when many countries are still dealing with plagues.

We could keep this blog going indefinitely, but we encourage you to make your own list. In such a situation, self-hating irony is hard to avoid. In fact, it's a healthy habit. But we Americans tend to gorge ourselves on it, as we do everything else.

How should you spend the time you formerly dedicated to WTHU? Read Walt Kelly, and remember his words: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

[by Flak staff — 08.17.02]

Designer Strollers — It's not that they cost upwards of $360. It's not that their high prices derive in part from their shi-shi Italian names and optional all-black fabrics. It's not even that designer strollers are such important yuppie status symbols that parents own two or three, for different occasions. It's the self-abnegating irony that goes with it all — as if, as one NY mom does, admitting that "we live in the most hypermaterialistic city in the country" clears you to then say "so you have to have different models for different occasions." Forgetting, of course, that owning a stroller has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your child.

At this point, it's not at all obvious why yuppie parents don't have designer babies as well — a blond, doe-eyed boy for Upper East Side soirees, a curly-haired, possibly black girl for those times your arty friends invite you to a Chelsea gallery opening. After all, this isn't just parenting we're talking about — as author Alan Fields tells the New York Post, "It's almost turned into an arms race."

[by Clay Risen — 07.25.02]

Hummer's H2 — General Motors Hummer division, known for selling military-style vehicles to nonmilitary types, will airlift its $50,000 H2 into dealerships across America this month. At about the same time, a new Hummer ad campaign parachutes into the nation's print media.

[by Eric Wittmershaus — 07.03.02]

The Best Damn Sports Show Period's 32 Hottest Women in Sports — The concept: Take a wide spectrum of female athletes who have distinguished themselves on the field of sport — and Anna Kournikova — and let them face off in a bracket contest to discover whom Fox readers think is the "hottest."

[by James Norton — 07.03.02]

Steve Fossett — It's the American dream: work hard, become a tycoon, and buy an expensive... hot air balloon? Recently, the adventurer embarked upon his sixth attempt to travel solo around the world in a hot air balloon. One would think that he could simply purchase a listing in the Guinness Book of World Records, but, no, this is an example of good ol' American stick-to-it-ive-ness. Because if you have a lot of money, the best way to help people with it is to inspire them by your goal of achieving fame utilizing an outdated mode of transportation.

[by Claire Zulkey — 07.01.02]

Doomsday T-shirts — One wouldn't expect a nonprofit group, especially one dedicated to reducing the threat of nuclear war, to appear on the WTHU blog. On the other hand, one wouldn't expect said nonprofit to cash in on the current abysmal state of world affairs by selling, of all things, T-shirts.

Yes, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, overseer of the in/famous Doomsday Clock, is now selling "Seven Minutes to Midnight" tees, for $18 a pop. The shirts celebrate the clock's most recent movement, ahead two minutes to its closest point to "zero hour" since the end of the Cold War.

A time when, in the words of the journal's website, "Little progress is made on global nuclear disarmament. The United States rejects a series of arms control treaties and announces it will withdraw from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. Terrorists seek to acquire and use nuclear and biological weapons." Geopolitical terror be damned — as the website says, this is "History You Can Wear!"

[by Clay Risen — 06.21.02]

Carol Wright catalog Patriotic T-shirts — Effortlessly combining pro-American jingoism, a ringing ignorance of history and culture, and Grateful Dead-style aesthetics, the Carol Wright catalog collection of "Patriotic T-shirts" surely ranks among the most clear-cut examples of silk-screen technology gone terribly wrong.

"Cats," declares one shirt, featuring a housecat painted to look like an American flag. "An American Tradition," it adds, smugly.

But since when are cats — which were revered as minor divinities by the ancient Egyptians — a particularly American tradition? A shirt reading "Cat-Related Merchandise" would certainly score more points for accuracy, at least.

"Bass Fishing: An American Tradition," reads another shirt, sporting a trichromatic bass. Don't bass predate 1776? Don't bass sometimes stray into Canadian lakes? Can this shirt possibly be any more confused than it already is?

Puppies, wolves, golf, and "the guitar" all open up their own painful cans of cultural worms. But, at just $6.99 a pop, it seems sort of unpatriotic to complain.

[by James Norton — 06.20.02]

Fiddling Around in Colorado — By now, most of us have heard about that one Roman emperor who allegedly fiddled while Rome burned. While his lesser-known exploits have long since faded from memory, the image of a gross neglect in a time of emergency has stuck with us.

Seemingly deaf to the beautiful parallel between their actions and those of the now-discredited Roman potentate, some homeowners associations in Colorado — a state currently in the news for burning the hell down — are forbidding their members from letting their lawns go brown in an effort to conserve life-giving water during the fire-fueling drought.

To those who would emphasize suburban beauty over community values and common sense: Thanks for giving Nero a run for his money. You sprinkled while Colorado burned.

[by James Norton — 06.17.02]

The Popcorn Fork — Silverware is cliché, chopsticks are inefficient, and eating with your hands means the terrorists have won. Thank goodness for the Popcorn Fork, an innovative variant of giant, plastic tweezers that will forever change the way Americans overindulge on nutrient-free snack foods. According to its enthusiastic website, the Popcorn Fork has "MORE USES THAN A CORKSCREW," a statement as bold as its own innappropriately capitalized letters. After all, the corkscrew — the most useful and versatile implement available to 21st century man — can do much more than just open wine, and gouge out eyes...

Oh wait. No it can't. Lauded by its inventor Don Sothman as "The Most Unique Eating Utensil Since the Dark Ages," the Popcorn Fork offers "[a] new way to eat foods like pasta, sushi and oriental." Reassuringly, the Popcorn Fork is also compatible with what Sothman describes as "'real people' snacks like caramel corn, cheese balls, corn chips, etc." By keeping the partially hydrogenated oils off of our hands and in our arteries where they belong, the Popcorn Fork is revolutionizing the way people — both "real" and "oriental" — eat.

[by Alissa Rowinsky — 06.05.02]

Uncrustables — It's tough being a parent these days. But if you don't have time to drag a jelly-laden knife across a piece of bread, will you be able to hold the family together? Do you deserve to have a family in the first place? Smuckers answers a resounding "yes!" to both questions, and jumps on the Iron Kids wuss wagon by selling little round PBJ sandwiches sans crust.

On one hand, it's shame that we've come to this. On the other hand, when the American empire finally collapses, it's funny to think that some 23rd-century Gibbon may point to round, crustless sandwiches as the clear beginning of the decline and fall.

[by James Norton — 05.21.02]

NBC Heals All Wounds — Boy, it sure seems like Americans recovered quickly from the trauma of Sept. 11. How did we do it? According to NBC West Coast President Scott Sassa, it was because of... the NBC lineup. Seeing the strong police officers of "Law and Order" "must have been just what America needed." Rachel's pregnancy on "Friends" and Will and Grace's "message of inclusion" — Sassa says all of that united us and pulled us through a difficult time. So what thanks does "Inside Schwartz" get for its role? Canceled, that's what.

[by Bob Cook — 05.15.02]

Frontier House — Fat, pasty Americans reclining in their La-Z-Boys, sucking the last Pringle fragments from upended cans, were recently treated to a "groundbreaking" new PBS show called Frontier House. The three-part series documented three upper-middle class, predominately white, 21st-century families selected from thousands of applicants to pretend to be "pioneer" homesteaders in 1883 Montana. Overseen and facilitated by American Frontier fetishist-historians, every detail, from the cabins, to the wagons, to the clothing, to the digital cameras each family used to record their "video diaries," was to be as authentic to the period as possible. The fetishist-historians wanted to know if it was possible for people in the 21st century to live without the conveniences of modern life. While wearing old fashioned clothes! A grand experiment, indeed.

Each family lived crowded together in tiny shacks that they made themselves, toiling side by side each day to raise the meager livestock and crops that put food on the roughly hewn wooden table. Without TV or the Internet, a washer and dryer, or even electricity and running water, the stars of Frontier House bitched, whined, sulked, and squabbled their way to enlightenment, finally learning at the end of their stay the equivalent of "the true meaning of Christmas."

At the end of the final episode, one of the men, Mark Glenn, complains that he feels uncomfortable in the present, and yearns for his life in 1883. Things were simpler then, he explains, oppressed by the ease of his life and the excess and wealth that surrounds him. Poor, poor Mark Glenn. Poor Frontier House families, roughing it for fame and for sport in the backwoods of the richest nation in the history of the world. Perhaps they should take their show on the road for the next season, and attempt to hone their newfound skills in a developing nation in Asia or Central America. The sort of place where hardworking people live their lives amid poverty and squalor because... they have to.

[by Alissa Rowinsky — 05.08.02]

Soap opera dolls — Barbie dolls set a high standard. With their impossibly busty and shopping-oriented lifestyles, they make a powerful cultural impression on girls everywhere. And it's no secret that boys dig GI Joe, the perfect embodiment of jacked-up, gizmo-laden American militarism. But Disney-owned ABC has decided to push the dolls-as-bad-role-models thing to its logical limit — it's now producing dolls modeled on the gloriously damaged characters of daytime soap operas.

The first doll available, from the show "One Life to Live," is a little girl named Starr, whose "favorite playmates are spiders and reptiles." From her tragically screwed-up parents, she's "learned the finer points of lying, eavesdropping and manipulation." Good stuff. Next in line for conversion to a cuddly toy format, according to reports: Todd Manning, the show's beloved serial rapist.

Oh, the wacky places American kids will go with Barbie, Mr. Manning and their own fertile imaginations!

[by James Norton — 05.07.02]

Iron Kids Crustless bread — Citing "more prosperous times" and "increased daily stress," Sara Lee has introduced new "Iron Kids Crustless!" — crustless white bread for gutless wonders with busy moms. Even the exclamation point at the end of the product's title bespeaks a spoiled culture of indulgence destined to whelp millions upon millions of frivolous little fat kids — hardly the iron elite of überkinder that Sara Lee might officially desire.

So while America's adoring international fan club feeds its kids tough pita, sour dough baguettes and white rice, our young people have yet another soul-sucking mass-manufactured alternative to Twinkies. Break out the Sunny-D and Fritos... it's Iron Kids Crustless time!

[by James Norton — 05.05.02]

Snapple's new ad campaign — The New York Times reported last week that Snapple spent $40 million on its new ad campaign, which will feature animated bottles in wigs, hats and neckties, acting out stories sent in by loyal Snapple customers or simply creative folks posing as such.

[by Eric Wittmershaus — 04.08.02]

WTHU blog update: Peter Buck — REM guitarist Peter Buck was cleared by a London jury of charges relating to air rage on a British Airways flight. The defense — using the novel strategy of claiming Buck had gone temporarily insane due to a mixture of wine and a sleeping pill, and bolstering its case with REM frontman Michael Stipe and rocker Bono — won the day. The WTHU blog apologizes for holding Mr. Buck up as a model of bad behavior. The night of the blog update, we were drinking tequila and popping amphetimines. When we came to, the item was posted, and something metal was in the microwave, shooting out three-foot arcs of fire.

[by James Norton — 04.05.02]

Throw momma from the [gravy] train —

Liza Minnelli, March's oldest and creepiest blushing bride, is being sued for breach of contract and elder abuse by her 94 year old stepmother, the Associated Press reports. Promised lifelong housing in her late husband's will, Lee Anderson Minnelli had long resided at the family's Beverly Hills home, all expenses paid by stepdaughter Liza.

Liza recently decided to sell the house, but Lee refused to leave. She stayed in the house even after the power was disconnected, sulking and suffering pointedly in the dark. However, honeymooning Liza was too busy making sweet love to new (and possibly heterosexual) husband David Gest to notice or care — apparently, he's quite "a tiger in the sack."

Those cold, dark days, alone in Beverly Hills, took their toll on the elderly Mrs. Minnelli, causing her to suffer from the kind of "extreme stress, humiliation, embarrassment and worry" that only a great deal of money can cure.

The suit is the latest in a string of highly-publicized and widely ridiculed events that have kept careerless, has-been Liza Minnelli squarely in AP Entertainment and Page Six territory. While "breach of contract" isn't exactly soundbite material, the mildly scandalous allegations of "elder abuse" and "neglect" ensure that additional coverage is on the way.

[by Alissa Rowinsky — 04.05.02]

Retired Andersen partners... in trouble! — "Billy M. Mann is worried about the future. At 80 years old, Mr. Mann, a retired Arthur Andersen partner, sees trouble ahead for his pension of $42,000 a year," reports The New York Times. If Mr. Mann's pension vanishes, he and his wife may have to sell his luxury condo in downtown Austin and move to a more reasonable home, or "cut back on their financial support of Mrs. Mann's 97-year-old mother, who lives in an expensive nursing home."

This is a tough choice, and a riveting article. An old retired white man still earning $42,000 a year for having led one of the most deeply flawed companies in American business history is racked with worry about whether to throw mother-in-law into a Dumpster or... scale back the luxury home.

Fortunately, the retired Enron partners have already filed suit against their own company to ensure the benefits keep rolling in — well after the total destitution of thousands of low-level, laid off Enron employees.

That was a close one. Thanks for bringing us the scoop on that heartwrenching American tragedy, The New York Times.

[by James Norton — 04.03.02]

Neuticles — We have pet hotels, pet toothpaste, professional pet groomers and the damn things even have their own shrinks. We're a nation of petophiliacs, and here's the proof: Neuticles. What are Neuticles? Neuticles are replacement testicles for neutered dogs.

There is no clear explanation as to why a dog needs these things. When a dog is neutered, this is the sum total of its understanding: "Didn't that thing used to get hard, and then I'd, like, stick it in places? Ah, whatever. Hey, an asshole!"

So why would anyone need Neuticles?

Petophilia, plain and simple. Dog owners feel ashamed of having denied their dogs the (quickly-forgotten) pleasures of sex, apparently overlooking the fact that for some dogs it's any leg in a storm. Because of this shame, the owners have fake balls sown into their dog so they can walk him in the park with pride.

If this isn't a good reason to Kill Whitey, I don't know what is.

[by Rob Anderson — 04.03.02]

Rock Music school — As Afghan children scramble for food and Palestinian children fight for survival, American kids are fighting their way to the top of the charts... at Rock Music school!

The Paul Green School of Rock Music in Philadelphia lets kids aged 10 to 18 play classic rock and learn about the industry. Are there pre-law courses about how to handle litigious ex-groupies? Pharmacology courses for mixing your meds and your recreational pep pills? No word yet.

The winner of the school's "battle of the bands" contest?

A band called "Decapitator." Now that sounds like a group even the Saudis could love!

[by James Norton — 04.01.02]

The Loews Cinema Cell-Phone Trailer — Before most Loews Cinema screenings, the theatre shows a short trailer asking people to turn off their cell phones, on the penalty of being hit with candy. It's rather cute, except when you consider how embarrassing it is that the trailer even needs to exist. It's bad enough that we force others to listen to our one-way conversations as we take the train or wait for a doctor's appointment. It's even worse that we have to take our cell phones out on the town. But do we really need a giant corporation to tell us to be polite and not answer a phone during a film screening? The answer, sadly, is yes.

[by Stephanie Kuenn — 03.27.02]

Seussian Prix Fixe — Dr. Seuss was a beloved author of books that were smart enough for adults, but ultimately destined for the minds of children. While his whimsical creations sold millions of copies, he carefully maintained the creative integrity of his work by strictly limiting the merchandise made in its image.

Chicago's upmarket Marche restaurant features an executive pastry chef, and targets a baby boomer audience with fat wallets. In order to honor the self-effacing Seuss's 98th birthday (an odd occasion to celebrate, as a> the man's dead, and b> no one celebrates the 98th anniversary of anything) the restaurant offered a $30 prix fixe meal. The feast included Seussian spectaculars like Green Eggs and Ham (a kid-friendly mélange of brioche toast with fried quail eggs, prosciutto and green hollandaise sauce), Grickle Greens (a mesclun salad with apple nut hash and blue cheese buttermilk dressing), and Onefish Twofish, Redfish Bluefish (red snapper and blue-nosed grouper).

They even served sauteed rapini marketed as "Truffula trees." Truffula trees. You're not supposed to chop those down.

[by James Norton — 03.21.02]

The One Ring Holographic Light — For those with nothing better to do with their time than wait for the next installment of "Lord of the Rings," here's the perfect collectible to amaze your fantasy-addled friends and relatives. And since it's authorized by New Line Cinema, you know your $100 is going to a good cause. Besides, who has time to make the real world a better place when "with startling clarity, the One Ring appears to magically suspend in mid-air. Yet when you reach to grab it, your finger go [sic] through it."

And for those times when burning incense just isn't, well ... fierce enough, don't forget the "Dragon Fire Incense Burner" ($145) which somehow manages to "blend the exotic scent of dreams and fantasies." Dreams and fantasies? That's gotta beat the smell of napalm in the morning any day of the week.

[by Jamie Paquette — 03.20.02]

"You're just a fucking captain and I'm R.E.M." — Celebrities around the world are famous for bad tempers, public outbursts and generally wacky behavior. But it has been Americans, from Fatty Arbuckle on forward, who have blazed the trails of celebrity misbehavior, and it's Americans who are pushing the art into the 21st Century.

Take R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck, for example. Seems like a nice guy. But get an indeterminate amount of liquor into him, and he's peeing on the floor of an airplane restroom, upending beverage carts — and damaging British Airways crockery.

For the crockery (if nothing else) he'll likely earn himself a bit of jolly old English jailtime — and the admiration of the world.

[by James Norton — 03.19.02]

Liza Minnelli and David Gest's Online Gift Registry — The joyous occasion of a happily married couple gleefully sharing their first gifts is a tradition nearly as time honored and culturally universal as the wedding itself. But leave it to Liza Minnelli and her producer beau David Gest to take such a sweet, special moment to nauseatingly saccharine levels of excess. And in the public domain of the World Wide Web, no less.

[by Eric Wittmershaus — 03.15.02]

Pet Cologne — Nothing is more important than making sure your already pampered pet smells like a used car salesman.

So it's no surprise to find a website hawking doggie scents that smell like popular mid-level fragrances for humans. Consumers can tell themselves they're not being insane or over-indulgent, because the punning names (Aramis = Aramutts, Tommy Hilfiger = Timmy Holedigger) add a winking irony that makes the whole thing palatable. Right?

[by Karen Lurie — 03.15.02]

Lincoln Navigator Stretch Limousine — What's the perfect ride for a celebrity, especially for an athlete or a music star? A Lincoln Navigator luxury SUV.

But wait, don't celebrities ride in limousines? Lincoln's custom-built limos are the perfect solution, satisfying the needs of street cred, opulence and ridiculousness. As KS Express Limo describes, "Seats 18 to 22 passengers. Four flat screen TVs, CD player, Nintendo 64, two bars and the most awesome stereo system!!"

Because, after all, when you're traversing mountain ranges with your 21 closest friends, you want to do it in style. This would be perfect for when Mariah Carey entertains the troops in hilly Afghanistan.

[by Claire Zulkey — 03.15.02]

Adult Friend Finder — Claiming more than 10,000,000 registered members, Adult Friend Finder boasts testimonials like this:

AFF works! I have had overwhelming numbers of responses, and have met 3 or 4 guys in person. I've had incredible sex with the men I've met. Thanks Adult Friend Finder! — Angel4fun

And when helping members meet new "friends," it offers mutual hobby selections including 1-on-1 Sex, Group Sex and Kinky Fetishes.

While there are undoubtedly more than a few hormone-charged Iranian teens who'd like to get a scoop of this crazy online action, one can't help but feel some sympathy for the poor foreigner who cries out: "This is some foul, immoral, high-tech capitalist American bullshit!"

[by James Norton — 03.15.02]

Glutton Bowl — "Don't waste those bull gonads," the mothers of the contestants on Fox's "Glutton Bowl" must have told them when they were young. "There are people starving in Africa."

Hot dogs, hamburgers, sushi, sticks of butter, hard-boiled eggs, whole beef tongues and bowls of mayonnaise eaten by the spoonful were all shoveled into mouths and drooled down shirts in a two-hour televised competition, just to be able to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters in the finals.

The ultimate goal? Some cash, and the chance to show the world how to waste food while overwrought commentators refer to you by your "competitive eating" nickname.

[by Karen Lurie — 03.15.02]

The Eluxury "Star Stream" — Sure, lots of other nations have arts and crafts. The Afghans and Iranians are famous for their intricate, hand-woven rugs. The West Africans throw together some mean wooden masks. The Japanese have those fancy bathrobes.

But why buy any of that crap when you can buy two extruded glass stars for $645.00?

It's hard not to love a nation that can provide its aristocracy with a piece of glass — in a flannel bag — for the equivalent of six-month's salary in Ghana.

Boy — stars made of glass! The American rich are certainly living on a higher level than the rest of us… and that includes the whole developing world.

[by James Norton — 03.15.02]

Breast Boosters — This remarkable product Tones and Firms our breasts, objects the accompanying promotional prose defines as "the triangle of skin from the base of the breasts to the chin." And while it's not clear why the words "tone" and "firm" need to be capitalized, it is clear why impoverished people from other nations might hate this $49.95 product devoted solely to granting a "younger looking aspect" to boobies.

Because impoverished foreign people are inferior, that's why.

[by James Norton — 03.15.02]