GOP Convention 2000
By James Norton

Preparation

I fear any trip that begins with a bad omen.

Is it a bad omen when you accidentally do your laundry with a Uniball Fine Point pen in one of your shirt pockets?

Perhaps not.

But what if it's the evening before the trip?

And you don't notice the ink until after the clothes have been thoroughly dried?

And you've just spent $90 on new shirts?

Which are now ink-splattered smocks?

Omen.

I have just bought new shirts so I can look a bit more presentable for the 2000 GOP National Convention in Philadelphia. My employer, The Christian Science Monitor, has decided to send me down to be one of two Web producers for its coverage. This will involve writing daily dispatches, getting audio from commentators, filing full text of convention speeches, moderating the discussion forum, helping the photo guys put together online galleries, posting notebook-esque diary entries from reporters and helping maintain the site remotely.

This, on paper, is an extremely exciting thing.

I'm 24. I'm terrified.

Of, course, people are proud of me. This includes my family, my girlfriend, friends from back home and my co-workers. It's pretty exciting to go to the convention, right?

But, inside, I feel mostly raw fear. Part of me is convinced: I don't want to report and edit politics. I want to be a fiction fairy. I want to write creative, emotional things and talk about art. I like my lattes, and I don't intend to renounce them.

On the other hand: The speaker's list is incredible. Colin Powell: a giant on the political stage, and a shoe-in for the presidency. All he'd have to do is get over that silly, nagging fear of being assassinated by a white supremacist.

John McCain: a highly amusing man who has never done an adequate job of covering up his contempt for the corrupt, ossified party establishment that buried him during the primary season. Dick Cheney: well, yeah. He's bald.

And, of course, there's George W. Bush. George W. Bush has said stuff like this:

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb; I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of; I shouldn't call him my little brother — my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.

JIM LEHRER: Florida.

GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.

And this:

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

And this:

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have; he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."

So, even with a Teleprompter in front him, the danger and excitement is palpable.

And, of course, there's the apex of the GOP Convention 2000 frenzy: Chaka Khan. According to the convention website, Chaka Khan brings it all together at the climax of the fourth night. The only way this could be any more surreal is if Speaker of the House Denis Hastert were to introduce Day 3's theme, "Prosperity with a Purpose" alongside The Rock.

Oh. Wait. That's on the schedule, too.