Coca-Cola

It's it, and that's that. It's the pause that refreshes, while maintaining its status as the choice of the old generation. It's the king of colas (nay, soft drinks) and its name is known to island-dwelling tribesmen, Sufi hermits, Swedes and Bolivians alike. "It," of course, is Coca-Cola, and it reigns supreme. It's one of the most visible feathers in the ever-growing cap of American cultural imperialism, right next to Disney and Michael Jordan.

Critics might deride Coke as being as "just another cola." Does RC have a legendary status as a unique part of Americana? Has anyone ever really considered Pepsi to be anything more than a pale, insecure sugary shadow of Coke? Of course not. And who's got the museum? Huh? Who's got the museum, you Pepsi-swilling chumps?

Thought so. It's Coke. And what would be in a Pepsi museum, anyway?

On a somewhat more serious note, it's evident that while Coke's a talented beverage, its very success (and ambition) might not spell the best conditions for aspiring consumers. Coke executives (perhaps truly, perhaps not) have been said to sit around at conferences essentially scheming about how to eliminate the presence of any other beverage from the market.

"Gentlemen," one of these supposed conversations is said to have gone, "Coke beats every other beverage on the market, except for water. My question to you: how can we beat water? What can we do to stop a beverage that is distributed for free?"

In fact, Coke has sponsored seminars for young employees of the food service industry. The seminars, entitled "H2No", teach waiters and waitresses how to urge their customers to consume a delicious Coca-Cola corporations beverage rather than drinking boring old water.

"Welcome to TGI Friday's! Can I get you a Coke or a Sprite?"

It's better for Coke, and it's better for the restaurant's bottom line. In fact, it's pretty much better for everybody.

Coke's insecurity about not completely dominating the world's beverage market is reflected in their recent effort to take over other soft-drink manufacturers, including Schweppes (makers of the delicious but low-selling Schweppes' Bitter Lemon) and several others. Unfortunately for Coke, anti-trust concerns have cropped up, along with Belgian accusations that some recently-produced bottles of Coke made a host of schoolchildren ill. As much as Coke tries, it seems unlikely that they will become the completely invulnerable beverage super-god, although they solidly occupy the position of beverage patriarch, for what it's worth.

Overly ambitious or not, Coke has a lot going for it. In the spirit of Inherit the Wind, I will do a very thorough and legalistic job of establishing Coke's supremacy, in case any of you have made long-distance voyages from the dark side of the moon and do not already respect its might.

Coke has five principal pillars holding up its temple of quality. They are the following:

1. Mythology. What other completely wholesome beverage has such a seemingly sordid past? Even today, the sensitive consumer can pick up the tracest mental remnants of the cocaine that once made Coca-Cola such a potentially addictive part of the American experience.

2. Tradition. It's a soft drink that your great-grandparents probably drank, and that's got an appeal to it, right? So is water, you might argue. So is lemonade. But what tastes better with fries? Or a burger? Or, of all things, the chopped-meaty-bits tube known as a hot dog? If it's American food, the beverage choice is clear: Coke, or, in some limited cases, milk. But who cares about milk besides Wisconsinites, anyway?

3. Aesthetics. Coke has masterful graphic design. To whit: the dynamic ribbon. The distinctive Coke bottle. The ubiquitous logo. Its design is strong and resonant, yet tasteful and appealing. It's the girl next door, but she's HOT, and you'd like to introduce her to Mr. Wang.

4. Taste. Part of Coke's appeal is that it tastes great, and complements greasy food like nobody's business. Its heady sweetness and cola tang provide just the right accessory almost any low-rent snack or fast-food indulgence. And isn't that what this great country is about?

5. Truth. Coke is the pause that refreshes. Coke is freakin' caffeinated. Despite the existence of lesser varieties of the stuff, we all know what Coke's really about: that distinctive caffeine buzz of cola syrup and carbonation that keeps you going for an additional 60-120 minutes, depending on your body weight and dosage consumed.

The choice for good, honest world citizens is clear, then: the delicious beverage provided to us in massive, massive quantities by the mighty Coca-Cola company. Citizens consuming other beverages will be exiled from the New World Order, and all of their Michael Jordan paraphernalia will be confiscated. All hail!

— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)