John Edwards Caucus: Part Three

Really? I bet the ad wizard that came up with that one got fired. I mean, "excellent" really sounds weird there, doesn't it? Anyway, Lee County didn't buy it: Huckabee won 284-192. Huck really nailed it when he said, "I'm the guy you work with. Romney's the guy who lays you off." Keokuk doesn't want to hear one more damn thing about lay-offs.

That's Greg and Lara, the Edwards staffers in Keokuk. They've just told us that they've had some people drop out...and that we're going to be Precinct Captains in Fort Madison, 20 miles up the road. Um, I thought these people were supposed to be a big deal? You know, like Bob and his industrial sized grill. Don't worry, they tell us — a guy named Adam will be there, and he'll tell us what to do. They give us our official John Edwards Precinct Captain Manuals and some more door tages to drop off in Fort Madison.

Oh yeah, and we've got to pick up three senior citizens and take them to a different caucus in Fort Madison. Two walkers and a wheel chair. They give me the keys to a giant van and we head to Fort Madison.

Caucus time! We stopped at Subway in Fort Madison to study our Precinct Captain Manuals and our cheat sheet about how to convince the Richardson and Biden supporters to caucus for Edwards during Round 2. ("Bill Richardson and John Edwards have the most similar views on the war. Both Hillary and Obama want to leave troops in Iraq long-term."). Will the good people of Jefferson Township buy it?

We've got to be at the caucus at 6:00 to set up, then registration is at 6:30, and caucusing starts at 7:00. But I've got to get these old people, who were told they're going to be picked up at 6:00. Of course they won't be ready at 6:00. We call Everett at 5:30, and he's ready to go. Mary won't be ready until 6:30. The hell you won't be, Mary. And Mervin, the 300 pound diabetic with a broken foot, will be good to go at 6:15. I seriously considering saying "fuck it" and heading across from the Comfort Inn and ordering a double Jack at Bennigan's.

We'll get back to Everett, Mary and Mervin in a moment. This is Donna, Me, and Judy at the Jefferson Township caucus, which is being held in the Iowa Suite of the Comfort Inn. Donna is the official precinct captain, but earlier in the day, she said she doesn't know what's going on, she's scared and she just wants me to do it. The poor thing is freaking out and doesn't need the pressure. She keeps asking James in the Mt. Pleasant 2 caucus next door when I'm going to be there. I finally get done unloading wheelchairs, speed the Edwards Caucusmobile back to the Comfort Inn, and tell Donna not to worry, I'll take care of everything. I, of course, have no idea what I'm doing.

Did I mention that we didn't have signs when we showed up? Obama has a shitload of signs — and they don't even say "Obama" on them! What the hell? We call Greg, who is in Fort Madison and brings us some signs. Adam is supposed to arrive to tell us the secrets and mysteries of the caucus. Adam finally shows up, and then tells us he doesn't know squat and doesn't have any Edwards stickers.

It's 7:00, and time to get our caucus on. Greg and Lara told me to expect 45 people. There's 80. We spend fifteen minutes trying to figure out which two people signed up for the wrong caucus and needs to switch rooms. One of them is Adam. I used my caucus math cheat sheet and calculator to figure out how many votes we need for two delegates of Jefferson Township's five. I figure that's the best I can hope for with this turnout. I need 24. Ruth, our caucus chairman, reads the announcements, explains the rules (only twelve people have caucused before), and we're off.

It's my understanding that the first round is where everybody stands next to their signs, then the second round is where the supporters of non-viable candidates get to decide who else to support. So, we get 23 people, Hillary has a bunch and Obama fewer. There's two Biden supporters and four Richardson supporters who are going to have to change sides or go home. Then I see one of the Obama chicks with a clipboard talking to them, trying to rush them all into Obama's camp. Then the Hillary clipboard starts rushing the Richardson people.

I didn't drive six hours and freeze my ass off just to get one friggin' delegate, so I march across the room and ask the Richardson lady why she's for Richardson. She says that she's a school teacher and she likes everything about John Edwards, except that she thinks he doesn't want to repeal No Child Left Behind. Fuckin' eh! I'm a schoolteacher, and I'm in this hell frozen over supporting John Edwards. I tell her that yesterday in Mt. Pleasant (at Bob's house!) John Edwards said he wanted to "scrap" NCLB, and I support him because he's the only candidate who talks about education like a teacher — who says that teacher's performance should be measured by a child's individual progress, not how well classes do from year to year. I'm not even bullshitting — this IS why I support John Edwards. I thank her, eschew the hard sell Obama and Hillary are putting on, and head back to my Edwards signs.

The woman, who has the purse at the left side of the picuture, then got rushed by the Hillary clipboard holder. After a brief conversation, she walked over to the Edwards camp. My team went nuts, applauding, hoopin' and hollerin'. Then, the other five undecideds lined up with Edwards, including the guy in the green shirt, the plaid hoodie, and the camo jacket. I rule!

Ruth gives us the score: Hillary 34 and two delegates, Edwards 29 and two delegates, Obama 17 and one delegate. If the six had gone to Hillary, like the Bidenites were going to do initially, Hillary would have gotten the extra delegate. I'll take it. I tell Donna that James and I need to go pick up Mary, Everett, and Mervin. Thank you, Jefferson Township! Good night!.

This is Everett. Everett is 82 and still a ball of fire. Wants to take his country back, thinks John Edwards is the man to do it. I damn near dropped him getting him out of the van in front of Richardson School when I slipped on a patch of black ice. Mervin, the diabetic, almost spilled out of the van at the nursing home because I was tired and didn't brace myself for the weight. He also drove the electric wheelchair out to the van initially, which I drove into the snowbank of the left trying to get it back to the door. I lost Mary at the school — she didn't bother to tell anyone that she found a ride home, and I searched the entire elementary school, horrified that I lost her.

Here's the incredibly stupid part of the Iowa Caucuses: In all likelihood, it wouldn't have mattered if Everett, Mervin and Mary showed up at all. They count delegates, not votes. So, all over Iowa, senior citizens risked 10 degree temperatures and icy roads at night to be driven around by strangers to cast a vote that probably didn't count for shit. We handed out $5.00 a pop flyers and DVD packages for votes that may or may not make a damn bit of difference because of this stupid caucus system.

I get into the Caucusmobile and turn on NPR. Obama is projected to win. Should have known that when twice as many people showed up at my caucus. We go to drop the van off and put the keys in a mailbox. I look in the backseat, and there's Mervin's wallet. Dammit. We drop off the van, get into the car and drive back to the nursing home. The doors are locked, no nurses hear me knock, I have no phone number and no way to get to Mervin's window. It's 9:30, I'm cold and wet and my feet and legs are literally bruised — and these votes we worked for didn't really count. I turn around and look back out the sliding door. There's a foot of snow out there.Then I toss Mervin's wallet into a wheelchair next to the entrance. I turned back into the cold, dark Iowa night, and walked to the car.