Flak Magazine

Slow Learner

Talkin' Bout My (Brother's) Generation

By Clay Risen

I've never thought there was much of a difference between Michael and I. The same height, the same friends, the same taste in women. Even our parents confuse us, from time to time. Two years and change is all that really puts a difference between my brother and me.

Until last week, that is. That's when I found out that, according to Louis Harris and Associates, there is, in fact, a vast difference between Mike and me. A whole generation of difference, to be exact. According to their report, "Generation 2001," released in February but only now reaching the public eye, the kids in the graduating college class of 2001 are a new tribe, wholly unlike the slackers, cynics and deviants of their generational forebearers, the infamous Gen-x. No one has yet to agree on a name for this new cohort. Louis Harris and Associates dubbed them Generation 2001, in deference to their class. A number of marketing firms prefer "Generation Why?" in deference not only to their predecessors, but also to their trusting, almost naively optimistic nature. Other names range from "the double-aughts" (as in '001, '002, for the nautically challenged) to "the millenials" (which, personally, sounds too much like a bad show on the WB). But despite their terminological differences, most marketers and generational observers agree on the attributes that set this generation apart from the previous. The Louis Harris survey, among others, found that the kids were more optimistic, more driven, more faithful, and more trusting of social norms and institutions than any since the Baby Boomers cropped up in the '50s.

In fact, the similarities between this new tribe and the Boomers are striking - once again the government is one of the most respected institutions, once again parents and grandparents are respected, even obeyed, and once again God is in the hearts of over 95 percent of these kids, after reaching an all-time low during Generation X. (On the other hand, less than 30 percent trust the media, which is a good signal that I need a new job)

According to Deanna Tillisch, who directed the Louis Harris study, "the sensibilities of Generation 2001 students appear to be alive with idealism, optimism and a vision of a better world." And why shouldn't they be -- this is the first group of kids (almost 30 million in the next 10 years) since the post-war era to go through teenagerhood amidst unmatched, unimaginable economic expansion and, at least in the first world, peace and social stability. They are the first not only not to know war, but in most cases to know not even the Cold War. The funny thing is, few kids I know have any inkling about this supposed rift in the generational continuum. Mike laughed in my face when I told him he and I were now officially ideologically opposed, and that he'd better start acting his age and get God, career goals and civic virtue ASAP.
"Screw that, dude," he said over coffee (he was wearing flannel, too -- probably just a denial phase).

But whether these kids see themselves as a new generation or not, they all -- including Mike -- have an unerring belief in the stability and progress of their lives. Most of the Louis Harris kids say America is headed in the right direction. Marriage, buying a house, raising kids, and achieving material success aren't just goals for these kids - they're givens. It's just assumed that progress, stability, and harmony will always continue, much as they have for most of their lives. Things like war, social unrest, genocide, financial malaise -- the reality we and our parents lived in -- aren't much more than sound bytes, historical oddities even, for these kids.

Humans are creatures of inertia, and history is full of examples of folks in good times coming to believe that the world will just keep getting better and better. Then when the things start to go to hell, no one knows how to deal with it -- see Europe right before World War I, or the United States in the early 1960s.

The real results of the Louis Harris poll isn't that there is some new subdivision of consumers ready to be exploited, but that there is a groundswell of naivete running through our future leaders of the world. What happens when technology and the market leave us out to dry? Will we too be stuck with a population unable to deal with the downside of reality?

As one of the last ages to be counted as a Gen-Xer, I reaffirm my own tribe by saying, "screw that, dude."

Clay Risen, a senior at Georgetown University, is a regular columnist for Flak Magazine and a committed member of Generation X. Slow Learner is a regular column that deals with issues in and around the college and academic community.

From the Desk of Tolton

By Jeff DeMartino

So you think that Bill Clinton would feel a little down about things right now, huh? Listen to what he told a New York fund-raiser Sept. 14, as reported in the Washington Post:

"The adversity of the moment, I think, has led us to this record turnout [at the fund-raiser]. Why? Because people made a decision and they thought they were needed and they stood up. Go talk big, go tell people not to be complacent, tell them not to worry about the adversity -- adversity makes people come out and show up."

I have a dream today.

You've got to wonder why Clinton spends half his day preaching from the Mountaintop, only to descend to tell us that he did not have "sexual relations." It baffles fellow congressmen and media pundits, both of whom have been calling on Clinton to 'fess up for weeks now.

But Clinton's defense makes sense if, in fact, you consider that the most complacent citizens may be the ones who will save Bubba's hide. At least, if you look at the numbers. In a Sept. 13 ABC News poll, Clinton's approval rating was still at 59% -- remarkable for a president who is about to enter impeachment hearings. Yes, a portion of the other 41 percent of the population is probably angrier at Clinton than they've ever been. That's to be expected. In the Sept. 16 Post, "Rep. Jack Kingston (R-GA) estimated that 300 to 400 people had called his office, many of them saying, 'Impeach him or I'll vote to get you out of office.' Rep. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) got 850 e-mails, plus 500 phone calls in three days, more than three times the norm 'for a hot issue.'" Adversity does make some people come out and show up, but those are the sort of people who call their congressmen. These people are of the utmost danger to Clinton if they form a majority of the population. Congressmen won't try to impeach a popular president; a weakened Clinton, however, is easy pickins for removal. Right now, people who call their Congressmen are still in the minority, though. How far in the minority? The Congressional interns I know spend half their work weeks dealing with correspondence from weirdo cranks who give themselves names like Tolton. I'm not making this up. Yeah, Tolton may want the President to hand in his resignation, but it's probably because the communists are aligning with Bill and Warf from Star Trek to bring down the country. Chances are, too, that Tolton's gonna correspond more than once a day. He's got no job and a stack of "From the Desk of Tolton" letters by his side.

Even though Tolton and his ilk may get a little steamed under the collar about Clinton's infidelity, they're not going to change the political landscape. Only the complacent 59% can change it, that is, if they decide to switch to the impeachment side.

What would cause a switch? Despite Clinton's high approval rating, his numbers could plummet if he's found guilty of lying under oath or coercing Lewinsky into lying under oath, polls show. Only 38 percent of the populous considers him impeachable now, according to an ABC News poll from Sept. 14. But if Clinton is found to have lied under oath, or to have pushed Lewinsky to perjure herself, the impeachment numbers go up.

Forty-two percent of persons polled believe that Clinton should be impeached if he lied on the stand, with that number rising to 51 percent if Starr can prove that Clinton obstructed justice.

The 13 percent rise in impeachment supporters would consist of emigres from Clinton's 59 percent approval rating, and the mass defection might even mean that Clinton's approval rating would drop below 50 percent. A drop so great could possibly mean Clinton's ultimate demise; no sensible congressman would vote to keep an unpopular president in office.

This explains Clinton's nit-pick defense. Clinton could appease congressional allies by admitting he lied, but where on earth would that get him? Upon admitting to perjury, an extra 4 percent of the population will want to impeach him. Upon admission of obstruction of justice, the impeachment numbers rise another nine percent. The polls show that as long as Clinton can defend himself against all legal charges, his approval ratings will stay high and the calls for impeachment will stay below 40 percent.

And who, in their right mind, would want to impeach a president with 59 percent approval? Tolton.

RANDOMWALK.com

SPECIAL REPORT: MERGER MANIA

On-Demand Fun? A Second Look at the AT&T-TCI Merger

By Adam Lazar

Months after the high-profile merger of communications heavyweights AT&T and Telecommunications Incorporated (TCI), key analysts have begun to question the tangible benefits of the union. The deal combined the grandfather of long-distance with the dominant provider of cable television, and each side promised as-yet unheard-of innovations. Would the combined concern bring major technological breakthroughs to market, including the so-called "nuclear toasters" envisioned by the more bullish analysts? Or would the results be more subtle in their nature, reflecting the views of the more pragmatic forecasters? The merged company, appearing under the new identity AT&TCI, provided some early glimpses of things to come during August's Telecommunications Expo in Des Moines. The company's booth quickly became a must-see at the Expo, unveiling a three-dimensional rendering of the new corporate logo, then presenting a live AT&TCI chairman William Johnson playing the part of the cuddly, telephone-savvy alien.

The chairman's low, gravely voice and gaunt, bony hands apparently made for a compelling rendition; analyst Evan Robins of Advanced Capital raved, "this company is on its way -- [chairman] Johnson should be in pictures!," and recommended the stock as a "heavy buy."

The booth also previewed a car chase scene from the newly-revived "Hunter" television series, featuring characters Hunter and Dee-Dee communicating between their vehicles using new AT&TCI digital products, all cleverly disguised to resemble the CBs of the 1970s. "Retro is in," noted industry expert Robert Chen, concluding that "for the nostalgic, the CB-cellphones will be this year's must-have."

Impressing even those critics who had dubbed AT&TCI's booth a "Bullshit Bonanza", the company wrapped-up the Expo with a show of Asian models dancing to the tune of "57 channels--The Cable's On!"

During the event, Randomwalk.com obtained information on the first fruit of the merger, a product known inside the company as the Cablephone. Telephony has always been limited by one cumbersome feature: The phone is connected to the wall by twisted-pair phone cable. Even with the advent of cordless phones, the phone's base still required a twisted-pair connection to the phone socket.

The Cablephone maintains this traditional setup, even looking and feeling like a regular telephone, with one important difference: The Cablephone utilizes the same familiar co-axial cable outlets used for cable television. In other words, consumers can locate the Cablephone anywhere there's cable TV, though not at the same time.

By all accounts, the Cablephone will be an instant success for everyone. TelCo lobbyist Don Bender predicts "phones everywhere, from the living room to the bedroom."

Separately, a spokesman for the cable industry expects a windfall for cable providers, as consumers will need to install a second cable in their homes in order to take advantage of both cable television and the Cablephone. In producing a win for the cable industry and a win for telephone manufacturers, the new AT&TCI sets an example that should inspire waves of copy-cat mergers in the near future.

MERGER MANIA
KIA BUILDS A BENTLEY FOR BEGINNERS

Barely afloat following a takeover attempt by industry giant Toyota, Korean automaker Kia Motors has set its sights on higher margins with a "Bentley killer" model. Kia's effort culminated in the recent introduction of the $8,000 Chaebol, a model designed "to compete directly against" the $200,000 Bentley Arnage. One could, in effect, buy 25 Chaebol for the price of an Arnage.

According to the Chaebol's promotional literature, the new model is also faster than a Porsche 911 and can float in open seas. In an August 12th press conference, a spokesman for Bentley, itself victim of a recent takeover by Volkswagen AG, scoffed, "oh, I'm sorry, we don't offer that model in yellow," and disputed Kia's claim to superior value, arguing, "when the costs associated with hiring drivers for those twenty-five [Chaebol] are figured in, the Bentley is a superior purchase."

Sound intriguing? In our tests, the Kia impressed us with the number of amenities simply unavailable on the far pricier Bentley--whether optional or standard. Highlights of the Chaebol's features include wide swatches of leather covering all tactile surfaces and the "floorboard security" feature, unique to the industry, enabling passengers to dispose of substances through a concealed hole, a.ka. "security hatch," drilled through the transmission tunnel. The optional "Glamour" accessory package adds a heavily-stylized "K" to the center of the steering wheel, while the "Rock Star" detail package provides a sleek thermoplastic spoiler, thereby reducing the Kia's drag coefficient to .87. Acceleration from the 40 HP three-cylinder engine was brisk, rocketing the Chaebol to a cruising speed of 59 MPH in under eighteen seconds.

The single deterrent was an inability to make the Chaebol float; after six attempts involving four separate pre-production test cars, we vowed to wait for a production model before further testing this feature.

Unfortunately, the Arnage was unavailable for comparison.

On a related note, our testers could not recommend the Keyzmastr Openzall, a $30 device touted as "the 'keyz' that 'doez it allz.'" The Openzall's "openerz" prongs broke off in the ignition of an Arnage during visits to three different Bentley dealerships, creating endless headaches and (the yelling guard makes us believe) the suspicion of theft. Yet in spite of these complications, it was easy to arrive at a verdict: With cars as pampering as the Chaebol, who needs chauffeurs? We would pocket the needless expense and drive all twenty-five ourselves.

BUSINESS TRAVELER BRIEFS IN THE AIR...

How do you create growth in the stagnating condiment industry? In light of the recent successes of A.J. Heinz' Dijonaisse, the apparent answer is to add mustard and make it a staple for travelers flying in coach.

This concept also provides the foundation for two new condiment blends, both currently undergoing airline test-marketing. One, Ketchard, mixes ketchup and mustard together into a creamy, orange-ish spread. On a recent dinner flight from Atlanta to Chicago, with the economy-class food consisting of a Bageldog and half of a green banana, many passengers seemed to regard Ketchard as a welcome change.

Linda, a Chicago computer consultant, found the product, "lively...fresh with that mustard zing!"

On a Dallas-Cleveland lunch flight, the second new product, a relish-mustard blend dubbed "Relard" by its maker, fared somewhat less favorably. Relard is a sickly yellow spread peppered with green relish chunklettes.

"Finally, a compelling reason never to eat again," muses Dan, a chemical salesman from Minneapolis.

...AND IN THE ROOM

In the wake of acquisition sprees by mega-hoteliers Starwood Holdings and Cendant Ltd., one of the hotel industry's smaller players is also looking to buy. Mazewski Lodge, of Holbrook, Ariz., is in talks to acquire Pow Wow Trading Post Ltd, also of Holbrook. "Pow Wow is tremendously undervalued," confided Jim Mazewski, president and founder of his namesake company. "They have always stocked the best Indian Crafts."

"Just take the Catchina [sic]," he elaborated, referring to the Trading Post's best seller, an 8" molded plastic doll accented with red crayon "in the spirit of the Indian way." Other popular gifts include a more robust, 36" rendition of Catchina, and a genuine petrified "Indian feast" mouse. Pow Wow is located across the street from Mazewski Lodge in Holbrook, pop. 500, on a spur of the old cross-country Route 66. "That gift shop is on fire!" raves Mazewski.